I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes
The drive and the determination
And the lucky breaks
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got the face
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes
Seeing my face up on the TV
Hearing my songs on the radio
People waiting all day in line to see me
Doing my pose for Rolling Stone
Well, it's alright, yeah it's alright
Living lifestyles of the rich and famous
Turning all heads in the music scene
Flying in my own jet plane to Vegas
Riding in a big black limousine
Well, it's alright, yeah it's alright
No, I ain't got nothing
But, to you I'm something
Something so much more
**Rock Star by Third Day**
Well, it's back into the grind we call college. At the moment I'm taking a break from studying for my Biblical Literature midterm on Friday to write this (before my brain gets completely fried)
I was great to see all those wacky people I call my friends when we got back on campus yesterday. I actually went and hung out with some of the guys at Roth, and basically Gareth has the most amazing way of folding laundry. It seriously cuts laundry folding time by at least a third! But I guess those Canadians have to learn to be efficient in order to keep up with the rest of the world ( just kidding!!). Once again, I'm amazed at the response that you receive at Roth when you bring cookies. Not only do these guys never see girls, apparently they never see cookies either (I could be wrong, feel free to correct me). Then Hannah got back, so we chatted for a little bit.
This morning I was sick to my stomach. I went to breakfast, but didn't eat anything. I did manage to get some encouragement on one of my many moments of crisis (to be explained below), and it was fun to have random convos with these guys again. I ended up trying to clean my room before Bib Lit, but I just couldn't do it. Autumn was very nice and gave me some of her Pepto-Bismol tablets. It wasn't until Chapel that I realized I hadn't eaten anything for close to 20 hours. Yes, I am that stupid. That probably contributed to my sickness, sleepiness and lightheaded-ness. So I managed to eat some lunch, and that was great. Besides that fact we were completely loony and anything I said got completely twisted, and I ended up laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Yeah, I love my friends.
Later I managed to finish cleaning my room, change the sheets on my bed (since I keep forgetting to do that) AND mend a hole in my jeans. It turns out that my domestic skills do extent beyond the kitchen. Which is probably a good thing. And it has me really excited, for some strange reason. I also used Febreeze, so the room smells wonderful now.
We don't have Aural Skills on Wednesday which gives me so much more time to study for the midterms!!! Or take a nap. Or practice. Possibly all of the above.
Okay, so the crisis that I mentioned above. I tend to snowball things in my mind (not that anyone could ever see me doing a thing like that). For various reasons I was questioning my status as a musician, which for me is never a good thing. From there it turned into a "did I make the wrong choice - should I have gone to Roberts?". My friends gave a loud, resounding "NO!!!" in response to that, making me feel loved and slightly better. I've just spent a lot of time thinking about who I was and who I'm becoming, and even though I hadn't thought about my music, it eventually had to go into that category. I haven't come to any major conclusions yet, but I've got plenty of time. Then as I was studying, the song by Third Day came on. Now, I'm not trying to become a rock star, just a high school band director. But that last part really stuck out. In the end, all that matters is what Christ thinks of me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, or even what I think. And He was willing to die for me. That really says something then. If the Lord of the universe decided to become part of His creation, just so that He could get to know me now and for all eternity, then who am I to be criticizing myself? It's like I'm ignoring everything He went through. Such a simple thing, but it's so easy to ignore. Just one of those facts that's slowly moving from my head to my heart. Seems to be a lot of that lately.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Re: Rediscovering
My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There's no turning back
(Chorus)
I'm letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
(Chorus)
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I'm not afraid
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
Feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me
**I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli***
I'm on October break right now, and it's great being at home. It's really a nice change of pace compared to college. But I know I'll be excited when I get back to campus and see everyone. Not that you would be able to tell that from the fact I've been facebooking and texting my college friends. Except Rachel, because she came home with me. And she's in the room right next to this one, so it really wouldn't make much sense to write on her wall, now would it?
I've been having a blast visiting. I went to EHS both days (even though I didn't plan to do so), and I got to see most of my teachers, but not all of them. Today I hung out in the bandroom for the most of the day, so it basically how Smock spent his senior year. It was fun getting to see everyone and who was in the office when. And Tom-tom is still the coolest. Hands down. We had fun talking about college stuff and whatnot. Rachel and I went out to Subway for lunch with Carole, and that was cool. I've also been taking pictures with Gershwin Abraham Least around C-town. In case you're wondering who GAL is, he's my gnome. Yes, I have a gnome. Yes, I've been taking pictures of a gnome around C-town. It's weird, but fun at the same time. You really should try it.
Yesterday I also got a chance to talk with Pastor Gary for close to 2 hours, and honestly, we could have probably continued talking for a couple more hours. I'll be honest, I was unsure if I would ever become really comfortable and close when he came because, well, he was new to the church, and I'd be leaving for college. Well, all doubts have gone. This is the probably the 2nd time we've had a long discussion, but you would have thought he was the pastor I've had since I started attending church. He's simply a great guy, and he doesn't try to dumb anything down. He treats me as an intellectual Christian college student. And that's really great. We discussed the definition of "being an evangelical", which helped cleared up some major confusion. We also went into the definition and beliefs of Calvinism, something I really wasn't sure about, and since I've been away at school, I've been confronted with those beliefs. He also gave me our church's statement of faith, for my reading pleasure : P Then we spent quite a while talking about what I've been learning at college, the college experience, and what he learned when he was in school. It was fascinating, and it was nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to have those spiritual "oh - DUH!" moments when everything finally connects. I've had a couple of those so far, and I'm sure I'll continue to have more. One of the experiences we discussed was - community (those of you who have been attending chapel, feel free to groan at this point). But it's something that became very evident to me when I left campus. We really do have something special. We eat, work, sleep and play together. 24/7. There's really no point in getting mad at someone, since you'll have to see them again. And again. I also feel like we've become a family. We take care of each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can't find that everywhere. I can't help but think that we're getting glimpses of heaven. Which just makes it all so exciting! Pastor Gary and I also talked about my developing picture of God. Did you know that whatever you decide you believe in college, about God, your faith, your moral values, that forms about 80% of what you will believe as an adult? I knew college was important, but I didn't realize it was that important : P Right now I'm starting to change my image of God, and I'm starting to view him more in picture that we get between Hosea and the Prodigal Son. If you combine those 2 images, that's more where I'm going. But I'm obviously not there yet, and who knows where I'll end up. As I continue to learn more, I realize that the hymn was right - He is ever changing. But not because He changes - we are the ones who change. I guess this is all to say that I'm embracing the questions, the uncertainty, the doubts. I'm at college to think about those things, to talk with others and really get figured out what I believe instead of simply embracing what I was taught at home and at church. That's not to say that I'm walking away from the faith - I'm deepening my understanding of it and making it my own. But I'm also learning more about myself, not just God. What aspects of my personality still hold true? There have been things I've done (and haven't done) since I've come back home. It does make one think - who am I really? Am I who I was, and if I'm not, who am I becoming? I take comfort in the fact that I'm not being fake either way - I've being true to myself, even if only certain aspects are showing more in certain environments. It's all very fascinating. (Yes, I am taking Adolescent Psychology, which probably contributes to this).
In reference to the lyrics, I really can't add on too much to those words. This time in my faith is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. But it just takes simple trust and faith - like that of a child.
Since I lack the great skill of a Christian theologian and author, I will have CS Lewis end this entry:
"An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful. But an open mind about the ultimate foundations either of Theoretical or of Practical Reason is idiocy."
--The Abolition of Man
"The more lucidly we think, the more we are cut off: the more deeply we enter into reality, the less we can think."
--Myth Became Fact, World Dominion
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There's no turning back
(Chorus)
I'm letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
(Chorus)
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I'm not afraid
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
Feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me
**I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli***
I'm on October break right now, and it's great being at home. It's really a nice change of pace compared to college. But I know I'll be excited when I get back to campus and see everyone. Not that you would be able to tell that from the fact I've been facebooking and texting my college friends. Except Rachel, because she came home with me. And she's in the room right next to this one, so it really wouldn't make much sense to write on her wall, now would it?
I've been having a blast visiting. I went to EHS both days (even though I didn't plan to do so), and I got to see most of my teachers, but not all of them. Today I hung out in the bandroom for the most of the day, so it basically how Smock spent his senior year. It was fun getting to see everyone and who was in the office when. And Tom-tom is still the coolest. Hands down. We had fun talking about college stuff and whatnot. Rachel and I went out to Subway for lunch with Carole, and that was cool. I've also been taking pictures with Gershwin Abraham Least around C-town. In case you're wondering who GAL is, he's my gnome. Yes, I have a gnome. Yes, I've been taking pictures of a gnome around C-town. It's weird, but fun at the same time. You really should try it.
Yesterday I also got a chance to talk with Pastor Gary for close to 2 hours, and honestly, we could have probably continued talking for a couple more hours. I'll be honest, I was unsure if I would ever become really comfortable and close when he came because, well, he was new to the church, and I'd be leaving for college. Well, all doubts have gone. This is the probably the 2nd time we've had a long discussion, but you would have thought he was the pastor I've had since I started attending church. He's simply a great guy, and he doesn't try to dumb anything down. He treats me as an intellectual Christian college student. And that's really great. We discussed the definition of "being an evangelical", which helped cleared up some major confusion. We also went into the definition and beliefs of Calvinism, something I really wasn't sure about, and since I've been away at school, I've been confronted with those beliefs. He also gave me our church's statement of faith, for my reading pleasure : P Then we spent quite a while talking about what I've been learning at college, the college experience, and what he learned when he was in school. It was fascinating, and it was nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to have those spiritual "oh - DUH!" moments when everything finally connects. I've had a couple of those so far, and I'm sure I'll continue to have more. One of the experiences we discussed was - community (those of you who have been attending chapel, feel free to groan at this point). But it's something that became very evident to me when I left campus. We really do have something special. We eat, work, sleep and play together. 24/7. There's really no point in getting mad at someone, since you'll have to see them again. And again. I also feel like we've become a family. We take care of each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can't find that everywhere. I can't help but think that we're getting glimpses of heaven. Which just makes it all so exciting! Pastor Gary and I also talked about my developing picture of God. Did you know that whatever you decide you believe in college, about God, your faith, your moral values, that forms about 80% of what you will believe as an adult? I knew college was important, but I didn't realize it was that important : P Right now I'm starting to change my image of God, and I'm starting to view him more in picture that we get between Hosea and the Prodigal Son. If you combine those 2 images, that's more where I'm going. But I'm obviously not there yet, and who knows where I'll end up. As I continue to learn more, I realize that the hymn was right - He is ever changing. But not because He changes - we are the ones who change. I guess this is all to say that I'm embracing the questions, the uncertainty, the doubts. I'm at college to think about those things, to talk with others and really get figured out what I believe instead of simply embracing what I was taught at home and at church. That's not to say that I'm walking away from the faith - I'm deepening my understanding of it and making it my own. But I'm also learning more about myself, not just God. What aspects of my personality still hold true? There have been things I've done (and haven't done) since I've come back home. It does make one think - who am I really? Am I who I was, and if I'm not, who am I becoming? I take comfort in the fact that I'm not being fake either way - I've being true to myself, even if only certain aspects are showing more in certain environments. It's all very fascinating. (Yes, I am taking Adolescent Psychology, which probably contributes to this).
In reference to the lyrics, I really can't add on too much to those words. This time in my faith is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. But it just takes simple trust and faith - like that of a child.
Since I lack the great skill of a Christian theologian and author, I will have CS Lewis end this entry:
"An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful. But an open mind about the ultimate foundations either of Theoretical or of Practical Reason is idiocy."
--The Abolition of Man
"The more lucidly we think, the more we are cut off: the more deeply we enter into reality, the less we can think."
--Myth Became Fact, World Dominion
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My Monday Night
Funny things happen when you've got 3 days left before break. And mid-terms are starting. Combine those and well, funny things happen.
It all started when I discovered my brain completely shut-off during "Tempered Steel" in Sym Winds. My fingers were moving, but I wasn't even thinking about what I was playing. This was the first signal that it was going to be a long night of studying MCP.
This was followed up by several "what's what she said jokes" around the dinner table. I swear those things slowly kill your intelligence. Then someone starts saying "that's what she said".....after his own jokes. Then you know that your college education has really gone down the tubes. The worst part - you actually laugh at him.
Following a dress fitting, I took a 30 min nap, to wake up to the cruel reality of the course called Music in the Christian Perspective.
First I started off with studying the essay topics with 2 other girls. Grouped up on the floor of my dorm room, we confessed our inability to understand any of the topics completely. It was then that I needed my caffeine kick. At this point, I'm tired, but still relatively sane.
At 9 I headed over to the music building for a study session with some other people. Luke led us on a discovery of the secrets of identifying the music example correctly. While we were trying to find connections, I ended up relating Bach back to the tax code at one point. Obviously, this isn't a good sign. But I'm starting to feel a little less tired (looking back, another very bad sign). I ran back to the dorm to grab my power cable and wheat thins (as discussed with Mitch....music majors live on moutain dew and wheat thins)
Close to 11 Luke and I decided to switch our papers. Mine provided great entertainment - apparently my writing abilities decrease if I write the first half, eat dinner and then finish. And send it to someone without having glanced at it. If you ever want an example of how to NOT write a paper, just ask for that rough draft. Continuing to review and work on notes, various discussions came up regarding confusing parts of each of the books.
At this point, I'm wondering why on earth I'm in the music building past midnight and pondering how lame I am. Physically I feel completely awake, which just doesn't make sense. My brain is slowly shutting down and refusing to work. I've decided that the carpet in the music theory room is really comfortable compared to the carpet in the dorm room. We've got the listening music playing in the background and taking time to identify it. Luke correctly identified the first movement of Beethoven's 5th. Then about 2 min later, he said that the song playing was the 4th movement of the Mozart Symphony. I gave him a really confused look, and explained that it was the epic Beethoven finale, and he had just correctly identified the overall work, and earlier in the evening said something along the lines of there not being any way to miss the "epic 4th". Right after that, I tried dotting my "u"s in my notes. At that point, it was time to give up. So as we're packing stuff up, we start discussing socialism, because that's what every music major does at about 12:30 in the morning after studying for several hours.
I get back to Gillette, and of course I can't find my ID. I call Hannah to come let me in. We go crash in her lounge as I go through my backpack, then spend the next 15 min or so tyring to retrace my steps to find my ID. The sad part - it's about a one minute walk from my dorm to the music building. Finally, we wlak over there one more time, and see Luke. The conversation:
"Are you sleepwalking?"
"What?"
"I said, are you sleep walking?"
"Yes. Back over to the music building. With another person. I'm looking for my ID. Are you sleep walking?"
"What?"
"I said, are you sleep walking?"
I found my ID in my music mailbox. I go back to Hannah's lounge and we discuss life's great mysteries. Including a conversation from lunch:
"I'm thinking about voting socialist in the election"
"Well, that does make sense. I mean, we're going socialist either way"
"But I can't see you doing that"
"Hey, I could be a closet socialist and you wouldn't know"
*lady ahead of us in the line whips her head around*
I'm pretty sure I solved most of the world's problems last night. But I couldn't remember anything. And people (in general) become really blunt jerks that late at night, but usually we preface this with "I become a jerk at about such and such a time, so sorry if this seems mean...." You also have a really good ability to view yourself as a complete idiot (at least I do) when it gets that late. I managed to survive the exam, but I've pretty much been going through my day with my brain half functioning. Again, I don't really feel tired, but I'm just not fully here. It's an interesting feeling. Another interesting observation: even if people they believe they're being jerks, overall my perception of my friends is dramatically improved when my brain shuts itself off (aka they're really super nice people and are completely hilarious.....we can argue later how much that applies when I'm not tired) Surprisingly, I never went through that with IB (just plain old confusion). I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight (I'm not even taking a nap today), but it seems so far away.
I'm also in the stage of thought where I could draw some great theological concepts out of this. But they would end up making no sense whatsoever, so I won't even go there. This is more of a record for my own sanity, so perhaps I'll budget my time a bit better. Or learn to drink coffee. Perhaps a combination of both.
It all started when I discovered my brain completely shut-off during "Tempered Steel" in Sym Winds. My fingers were moving, but I wasn't even thinking about what I was playing. This was the first signal that it was going to be a long night of studying MCP.
This was followed up by several "what's what she said jokes" around the dinner table. I swear those things slowly kill your intelligence. Then someone starts saying "that's what she said".....after his own jokes. Then you know that your college education has really gone down the tubes. The worst part - you actually laugh at him.
Following a dress fitting, I took a 30 min nap, to wake up to the cruel reality of the course called Music in the Christian Perspective.
First I started off with studying the essay topics with 2 other girls. Grouped up on the floor of my dorm room, we confessed our inability to understand any of the topics completely. It was then that I needed my caffeine kick. At this point, I'm tired, but still relatively sane.
At 9 I headed over to the music building for a study session with some other people. Luke led us on a discovery of the secrets of identifying the music example correctly. While we were trying to find connections, I ended up relating Bach back to the tax code at one point. Obviously, this isn't a good sign. But I'm starting to feel a little less tired (looking back, another very bad sign). I ran back to the dorm to grab my power cable and wheat thins (as discussed with Mitch....music majors live on moutain dew and wheat thins)
Close to 11 Luke and I decided to switch our papers. Mine provided great entertainment - apparently my writing abilities decrease if I write the first half, eat dinner and then finish. And send it to someone without having glanced at it. If you ever want an example of how to NOT write a paper, just ask for that rough draft. Continuing to review and work on notes, various discussions came up regarding confusing parts of each of the books.
At this point, I'm wondering why on earth I'm in the music building past midnight and pondering how lame I am. Physically I feel completely awake, which just doesn't make sense. My brain is slowly shutting down and refusing to work. I've decided that the carpet in the music theory room is really comfortable compared to the carpet in the dorm room. We've got the listening music playing in the background and taking time to identify it. Luke correctly identified the first movement of Beethoven's 5th. Then about 2 min later, he said that the song playing was the 4th movement of the Mozart Symphony. I gave him a really confused look, and explained that it was the epic Beethoven finale, and he had just correctly identified the overall work, and earlier in the evening said something along the lines of there not being any way to miss the "epic 4th". Right after that, I tried dotting my "u"s in my notes. At that point, it was time to give up. So as we're packing stuff up, we start discussing socialism, because that's what every music major does at about 12:30 in the morning after studying for several hours.
I get back to Gillette, and of course I can't find my ID. I call Hannah to come let me in. We go crash in her lounge as I go through my backpack, then spend the next 15 min or so tyring to retrace my steps to find my ID. The sad part - it's about a one minute walk from my dorm to the music building. Finally, we wlak over there one more time, and see Luke. The conversation:
"Are you sleepwalking?"
"What?"
"I said, are you sleep walking?"
"Yes. Back over to the music building. With another person. I'm looking for my ID. Are you sleep walking?"
"What?"
"I said, are you sleep walking?"
I found my ID in my music mailbox. I go back to Hannah's lounge and we discuss life's great mysteries. Including a conversation from lunch:
"I'm thinking about voting socialist in the election"
"Well, that does make sense. I mean, we're going socialist either way"
"But I can't see you doing that"
"Hey, I could be a closet socialist and you wouldn't know"
*lady ahead of us in the line whips her head around*
I'm pretty sure I solved most of the world's problems last night. But I couldn't remember anything. And people (in general) become really blunt jerks that late at night, but usually we preface this with "I become a jerk at about such and such a time, so sorry if this seems mean...." You also have a really good ability to view yourself as a complete idiot (at least I do) when it gets that late. I managed to survive the exam, but I've pretty much been going through my day with my brain half functioning. Again, I don't really feel tired, but I'm just not fully here. It's an interesting feeling. Another interesting observation: even if people they believe they're being jerks, overall my perception of my friends is dramatically improved when my brain shuts itself off (aka they're really super nice people and are completely hilarious.....we can argue later how much that applies when I'm not tired) Surprisingly, I never went through that with IB (just plain old confusion). I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight (I'm not even taking a nap today), but it seems so far away.
I'm also in the stage of thought where I could draw some great theological concepts out of this. But they would end up making no sense whatsoever, so I won't even go there. This is more of a record for my own sanity, so perhaps I'll budget my time a bit better. Or learn to drink coffee. Perhaps a combination of both.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The Emptiest Day
They say You live in hospitals and trenches
And towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside
The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your will
And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day
The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
But I need You in the car
The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song
And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day
And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean
**The Emptiest Day - Caedmon's Call**
This entire weekend has been such a time of renewal for me. Between the woods, the Scripture I've been reading, and the Koinonia service tonight, it has simply been incredible. I have truly felt the movement of God in my life this weekend. It's like I've been standing in the shallow end of the pool, slowly moving in, and He decided to pick me up and throw me in. He's given me the answer to one of the questions I've been pondering recently. I'm not going to pretend that it's the answer I wanted to hear, but it's the one that I needed to hear. And now it's time to leave the mountain. Aslan is on the move.
"It is as hard to explain how this sunlit land was different from the old Narnia, as it would be to tell you how the fruits of that country taste. Perhaps you will get some idea of it, if you think like this. You may have been in a room in which there was a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among mountains. And in the wall of that room opposite to the window there may have been a looking glass. And as you turned away from the window you suddenly caught sight of that sea or that valley, all over again, in the looking glass. And the sea in the mirror, or the valley in the mirror, were in one sense just the same as the real ones: yet at the same time they were somehow different--deeper, more wonderful, more like places in a story: in a story you have never heard but very much want to know. The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more. I can't describe it any better than that: if you ever get there you will know what I mean." C.S. Lewis 'The Last Battle'
And towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside
The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your will
And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day
The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
But I need You in the car
The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song
And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day
And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean
**The Emptiest Day - Caedmon's Call**
This entire weekend has been such a time of renewal for me. Between the woods, the Scripture I've been reading, and the Koinonia service tonight, it has simply been incredible. I have truly felt the movement of God in my life this weekend. It's like I've been standing in the shallow end of the pool, slowly moving in, and He decided to pick me up and throw me in. He's given me the answer to one of the questions I've been pondering recently. I'm not going to pretend that it's the answer I wanted to hear, but it's the one that I needed to hear. And now it's time to leave the mountain. Aslan is on the move.
"It is as hard to explain how this sunlit land was different from the old Narnia, as it would be to tell you how the fruits of that country taste. Perhaps you will get some idea of it, if you think like this. You may have been in a room in which there was a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among mountains. And in the wall of that room opposite to the window there may have been a looking glass. And as you turned away from the window you suddenly caught sight of that sea or that valley, all over again, in the looking glass. And the sea in the mirror, or the valley in the mirror, were in one sense just the same as the real ones: yet at the same time they were somehow different--deeper, more wonderful, more like places in a story: in a story you have never heard but very much want to know. The difference between the old Narnia and the new Narnia was like that. The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more. I can't describe it any better than that: if you ever get there you will know what I mean." C.S. Lewis 'The Last Battle'
Friday, October 10, 2008
Escaping to the Woods
It has been such a beautiful day, I felt called to take a walk to the woods. I just wanted to be out there, away from here. Not that here is a bad place, but I had to go. The walk to get there always seems so long. My pace quickened as I got closer, knowing what would await me. When I made it to the main trail, I paused. The sound of my feet on the leaves. I was breaking the beautiful silence. I felt that I was an intruder in this world of beauty. The colors. Green. Yellow. Orange. Black. Gray. I continued on. I felt the woods slowly envelope me. I was surrounded by nothing, but wrapped in everything. In my head, I began to go back. The smell of fall, playing outside of my Grandma's house. The sounds of the leaves beneath my feet, back to the time when I would meander back from school because I had no other obligations. The trail and woods before me, when my family would go camping and my dad and I would explore old and new trails on the four-wheeler. I was filled with such a longing. Ignorance is bliss, they say, and that enlightenment is the goal of life. Is it? Is it really better to have your heart broken each day? The solitude called me on. I was away, away from everything. There was no one shouting at me, no obligations calling to me, no thoughts invading me. I could feel. I simply felt. Listening to my heart. It poured out. There are no words to describe what it was. Longing. Melancholy. Happiness. Confusion. Joy. Everything. I did not want to leave. If I could only stay there. I was simply myself. No pressures. No expectations. I was not responsible for another person. I wanted to simply stay and collapse. I started listening to the second half of the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe soundtrack. If you are a fan of CS Lewis, or a fan of the soundtrack, just imagine. The solitude. The music. The healing. I knew I had to return. My inner struggles could not simply stay in the woods. I was called back. The music. CS Lewis. I am not a theologian. I am not a spiritual leader. My struggles are not the great glorious ones of the faith. I am battling myself each day. Why? The past was so much easier. My enemies were clear. The solutions were easily seen. "It is hard for you, little one. But things never happen the same way twice". Oh Aslan. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away – like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid". But I am a lioness.
I descended back to campus. The first sight that hit me was a Kuhl campaign sign. The Paine Science Center. The Luckey Building. People playing ultimate Frisbee. Little children, running and playing. Laughing. Shouting. I was back. I was renewed.
I descended back to campus. The first sight that hit me was a Kuhl campaign sign. The Paine Science Center. The Luckey Building. People playing ultimate Frisbee. Little children, running and playing. Laughing. Shouting. I was back. I was renewed.
For a deeper understanding of Nehemiah...
There's a Christian parody band called ApologetiX. They're amazing/hilarious. If you haven't heard their music, check them out. I was thinking of one of their songs today in Bib Lit:
It's Tough [Song About Nehemiah]
Parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5
Our wall's so high you would not recognize
But fire burned and minimized the way it sat for all my life
Kissed Persia goodbye, you see I brought a plan
To get Jerusalem strong again
The wall was where I'd start
Oh!
It's a tough task making this wall complete
We said goodbye to dinnertime and sports
There are kids making some fun of me
And I hope those boys, Sanballat and Tobias, get bored
They tried their best to keep us occupied
Said they'd come in with their knives
It's hard but we work side by side
Oh, kept saying stuff 'bout me that's just insane
Pretending I built this thing
To turn around and be the king
Whatever
This wall has taken us seven weeks
Three days till I can finish up the doors
Wal-Mart did make a good wall for cheap
But I had no choice 'cause I don't live nearby any stores
I fixed this broken thing, repaired these openings
I ain't your average Pink Floyd guy (Nehemiah, me oh my)
I can't sing all their hits, but I know 'Another Brick'
Let me sing for you 'cause I'm Nehemiah, how do you do?
Ezra has taken the scroll to read
We said goodbye to sins we tried before
Four hundred and forty-four B.C. and I have no Floyd
And I can't play guitar like Gilmore
It's rough just making this song funny
We had to try and then we tried some more
And I'd like to break the monotony
We say Maroon 5 should end it at the chorus
Guess what I'm making this all up here
Read Nehemiah and Ezra right before
Work hard and pray with a fervency
But I have no voice so I will fade this right here for sure
It's Tough [Song About Nehemiah]
Parody of "This Love" by Maroon 5
Our wall's so high you would not recognize
But fire burned and minimized the way it sat for all my life
Kissed Persia goodbye, you see I brought a plan
To get Jerusalem strong again
The wall was where I'd start
Oh!
It's a tough task making this wall complete
We said goodbye to dinnertime and sports
There are kids making some fun of me
And I hope those boys, Sanballat and Tobias, get bored
They tried their best to keep us occupied
Said they'd come in with their knives
It's hard but we work side by side
Oh, kept saying stuff 'bout me that's just insane
Pretending I built this thing
To turn around and be the king
Whatever
This wall has taken us seven weeks
Three days till I can finish up the doors
Wal-Mart did make a good wall for cheap
But I had no choice 'cause I don't live nearby any stores
I fixed this broken thing, repaired these openings
I ain't your average Pink Floyd guy (Nehemiah, me oh my)
I can't sing all their hits, but I know 'Another Brick'
Let me sing for you 'cause I'm Nehemiah, how do you do?
Ezra has taken the scroll to read
We said goodbye to sins we tried before
Four hundred and forty-four B.C. and I have no Floyd
And I can't play guitar like Gilmore
It's rough just making this song funny
We had to try and then we tried some more
And I'd like to break the monotony
We say Maroon 5 should end it at the chorus
Guess what I'm making this all up here
Read Nehemiah and Ezra right before
Work hard and pray with a fervency
But I have no voice so I will fade this right here for sure
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Streets of Gold
I want you to know
I’m leaving to let you go
One day we’ll walk upon
Streets of gold
I don’t remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It’s easy to say that there’s a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true
Everything we hold could someday slip away
I want you to know
I’m leaving to let you go
And someday we’ll walk upon
The streets of gold
Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock
Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can’t live without
Everything we hold could someday slip away
I want you to know
I’m leaving to let you go
And someday we’ll walk upon
The streets of gold
The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can’t die
Streets of Gold - Needtobreathe
I’m leaving to let you go
One day we’ll walk upon
Streets of gold
I don’t remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It’s easy to say that there’s a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true
Everything we hold could someday slip away
I want you to know
I’m leaving to let you go
And someday we’ll walk upon
The streets of gold
Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock
Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can’t live without
Everything we hold could someday slip away
I want you to know
I’m leaving to let you go
And someday we’ll walk upon
The streets of gold
The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can’t die
Streets of Gold - Needtobreathe
Friday, October 3, 2008
Why Music?
This is a question that all musicians are confronted with at some point in our lives. Why music? Why make this our life? That's one of the questions we've been forced to consider in our MCP class (Music in the Christian Perspective). I used to believe that I knew why I wanted to do music. I thought I had it all figured out, and everything was put together in such a nice plan. But after spending a month here, I've begun to question the "ideal plan" that I had laid out in my mind. One of the biggest elements was my music. Why did I want to do this? There are a variety of reasons to do music:
-"I just love music so much!" A true reason, yet very immature in some respects. Music requires so much more out of you, that if there's only the feeling of love, then it's never going to survive.
-"I seem to have a real talent and I want to become a famous musician!" Becoming famous has never been a real motivating factor for me. Sure, that would be great, but the amount of time and the massive obsession over one's instrument has never appealed to me. Plus, the amount of people that actually become professional musicians is so slim.
-"I want to share my passion with others!" One of the reasons that I used to give. Why else would you want to become a teacher? But once again, if that's the main reason, you're going to get sick and tired of all the practicing because you merely want to teach.
These are just some of the stereotypical reasons, and there are many other reasons why someone would choose music. And if one of them works for you, and it's enough motivation, then that's great. But it just wasn't cutting it for me. There had to be another reason, something that would continue to drive me on, even when I didn't feel like it was worth it. This morning, I think I finally figured out that reason. I've always loved music, but when you get to this point, where rubber meets the road, the real work sets in, that love is hard to remember. And the end goal of becoming a teacher seems so far away. And none of it seems like it is something that is going to last in the end. But today in chapel, I had one of those "Oh Duh!" moments. Music isn't about my life. It's all about God. But not in that really weird religious connotation sense. I believe in the Creator God and that we are all made in His Image. Since we are made in His Image, we are all "mini-creators", though we cannot make anything that hasn't already existed in some form before (unlike God, who speaks and creates). But music is different. We can put together these notes in different combinations that have never been done before. Each time we practice, music happens for just that period of time, and then is lost to us. But it's swept up into all of history. Something as simple as a hymn-song made tears come to my eyes today during Chapel. It had been a hymn that I learned back in elementary school, and I don't remember why at this point, but I do remember the time my Grandma spent helping me learn it, and also teaching me about memorization itself. I hadn't thought about that in a long time, but one simple song brought back a flood of memories. In addition, they used various different songs during the presentation of Houghton's history, including Requiem from Band of Brothers. I, being the geek that I am, recognized these song immediately and became lost in the moment. It's those moments for which music was created. It helps us reach a little closer to heaven. Though we may never reach a place with our music where we become the next Beethoven, Bernstein or Billy Joel, we created something for a moment. And if we create for God, that music is never truly lost.
I'm not going to try to say that I completely understand it, but it does help me. But now when I get too tired and just want to give up because I'm sure I'll never get the etude right, I'll never remember those accidentals, or I can't get the right emotion in the slow movement of a solo, I can take comfort in the fact that it's not really about me, my playing abilities (or lack thereof), but it's about something much bigger, of which I am a part.
-"I just love music so much!" A true reason, yet very immature in some respects. Music requires so much more out of you, that if there's only the feeling of love, then it's never going to survive.
-"I seem to have a real talent and I want to become a famous musician!" Becoming famous has never been a real motivating factor for me. Sure, that would be great, but the amount of time and the massive obsession over one's instrument has never appealed to me. Plus, the amount of people that actually become professional musicians is so slim.
-"I want to share my passion with others!" One of the reasons that I used to give. Why else would you want to become a teacher? But once again, if that's the main reason, you're going to get sick and tired of all the practicing because you merely want to teach.
These are just some of the stereotypical reasons, and there are many other reasons why someone would choose music. And if one of them works for you, and it's enough motivation, then that's great. But it just wasn't cutting it for me. There had to be another reason, something that would continue to drive me on, even when I didn't feel like it was worth it. This morning, I think I finally figured out that reason. I've always loved music, but when you get to this point, where rubber meets the road, the real work sets in, that love is hard to remember. And the end goal of becoming a teacher seems so far away. And none of it seems like it is something that is going to last in the end. But today in chapel, I had one of those "Oh Duh!" moments. Music isn't about my life. It's all about God. But not in that really weird religious connotation sense. I believe in the Creator God and that we are all made in His Image. Since we are made in His Image, we are all "mini-creators", though we cannot make anything that hasn't already existed in some form before (unlike God, who speaks and creates). But music is different. We can put together these notes in different combinations that have never been done before. Each time we practice, music happens for just that period of time, and then is lost to us. But it's swept up into all of history. Something as simple as a hymn-song made tears come to my eyes today during Chapel. It had been a hymn that I learned back in elementary school, and I don't remember why at this point, but I do remember the time my Grandma spent helping me learn it, and also teaching me about memorization itself. I hadn't thought about that in a long time, but one simple song brought back a flood of memories. In addition, they used various different songs during the presentation of Houghton's history, including Requiem from Band of Brothers. I, being the geek that I am, recognized these song immediately and became lost in the moment. It's those moments for which music was created. It helps us reach a little closer to heaven. Though we may never reach a place with our music where we become the next Beethoven, Bernstein or Billy Joel, we created something for a moment. And if we create for God, that music is never truly lost.
I'm not going to try to say that I completely understand it, but it does help me. But now when I get too tired and just want to give up because I'm sure I'll never get the etude right, I'll never remember those accidentals, or I can't get the right emotion in the slow movement of a solo, I can take comfort in the fact that it's not really about me, my playing abilities (or lack thereof), but it's about something much bigger, of which I am a part.
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