Re: Rediscovering

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There's no turning back

(Chorus)
I'm letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I'm not afraid

Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
Feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me

**I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli***


I'm on October break right now, and it's great being at home. It's really a nice change of pace compared to college. But I know I'll be excited when I get back to campus and see everyone. Not that you would be able to tell that from the fact I've been facebooking and texting my college friends. Except Rachel, because she came home with me. And she's in the room right next to this one, so it really wouldn't make much sense to write on her wall, now would it?

I've been having a blast visiting. I went to EHS both days (even though I didn't plan to do so), and I got to see most of my teachers, but not all of them. Today I hung out in the bandroom for the most of the day, so it basically how Smock spent his senior year. It was fun getting to see everyone and who was in the office when. And Tom-tom is still the coolest. Hands down. We had fun talking about college stuff and whatnot. Rachel and I went out to Subway for lunch with Carole, and that was cool. I've also been taking pictures with Gershwin Abraham Least around C-town. In case you're wondering who GAL is, he's my gnome. Yes, I have a gnome. Yes, I've been taking pictures of a gnome around C-town. It's weird, but fun at the same time. You really should try it.

Yesterday I also got a chance to talk with Pastor Gary for close to 2 hours, and honestly, we could have probably continued talking for a couple more hours. I'll be honest, I was unsure if I would ever become really comfortable and close when he came because, well, he was new to the church, and I'd be leaving for college. Well, all doubts have gone. This is the probably the 2nd time we've had a long discussion, but you would have thought he was the pastor I've had since I started attending church. He's simply a great guy, and he doesn't try to dumb anything down. He treats me as an intellectual Christian college student. And that's really great. We discussed the definition of "being an evangelical", which helped cleared up some major confusion. We also went into the definition and beliefs of Calvinism, something I really wasn't sure about, and since I've been away at school, I've been confronted with those beliefs. He also gave me our church's statement of faith, for my reading pleasure : P Then we spent quite a while talking about what I've been learning at college, the college experience, and what he learned when he was in school. It was fascinating, and it was nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to have those spiritual "oh - DUH!" moments when everything finally connects. I've had a couple of those so far, and I'm sure I'll continue to have more. One of the experiences we discussed was - community (those of you who have been attending chapel, feel free to groan at this point). But it's something that became very evident to me when I left campus. We really do have something special. We eat, work, sleep and play together. 24/7. There's really no point in getting mad at someone, since you'll have to see them again. And again. I also feel like we've become a family. We take care of each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can't find that everywhere. I can't help but think that we're getting glimpses of heaven. Which just makes it all so exciting! Pastor Gary and I also talked about my developing picture of God. Did you know that whatever you decide you believe in college, about God, your faith, your moral values, that forms about 80% of what you will believe as an adult? I knew college was important, but I didn't realize it was that important : P Right now I'm starting to change my image of God, and I'm starting to view him more in picture that we get between Hosea and the Prodigal Son. If you combine those 2 images, that's more where I'm going. But I'm obviously not there yet, and who knows where I'll end up. As I continue to learn more, I realize that the hymn was right - He is ever changing. But not because He changes - we are the ones who change. I guess this is all to say that I'm embracing the questions, the uncertainty, the doubts. I'm at college to think about those things, to talk with others and really get figured out what I believe instead of simply embracing what I was taught at home and at church. That's not to say that I'm walking away from the faith - I'm deepening my understanding of it and making it my own. But I'm also learning more about myself, not just God. What aspects of my personality still hold true? There have been things I've done (and haven't done) since I've come back home. It does make one think - who am I really? Am I who I was, and if I'm not, who am I becoming? I take comfort in the fact that I'm not being fake either way - I've being true to myself, even if only certain aspects are showing more in certain environments. It's all very fascinating. (Yes, I am taking Adolescent Psychology, which probably contributes to this).

In reference to the lyrics, I really can't add on too much to those words. This time in my faith is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. But it just takes simple trust and faith - like that of a child.

Since I lack the great skill of a Christian theologian and author, I will have CS Lewis end this entry:

"An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful. But an open mind about the ultimate foundations either of Theoretical or of Practical Reason is idiocy."
--The Abolition of Man

"The more lucidly we think, the more we are cut off: the more deeply we enter into reality, the less we can think."
--Myth Became Fact, World Dominion