Suffering

As inspiration for this devotional, I turned to one of the most solid, theological sources of our time. The Princess Bride. “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Why is that? Why is life pain? But for the sake of time, and the fact that I am not a theologian or philosopher, I’d like to narrow down the focus of this devotional, quite a lot. Why do Christians face so much suffering? I would like to distinguish this from the “why do bad things happen to good people” question – there is an entire book about that in the Bible, which is all that needs to be said on that. Why is there suffering that isn’t related to persecution?

This is the question that I’ve been thinking about for a few months now. I’ve found that sometimes I’m experiencing pain and suffering that doesn’t seem to have a purpose. I know that God is putting me through a refining fire, but why does it hurt so much more at some times rather than others? Perhaps I’m the only one who has dealt with this (I’ll admit, I’m sometimes stubborn when I fail to understand God. I don’t like that and I keep searching, even when I should be happy with a “just because” answer).

God loves us. That’s an undeniable fact. But God is also holy. This means, in the words of CS Lewis “His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable. We cannot even wish, in our better moments, that He could reconcile Himself to our present impurities…What we would here and now call our ‘happiness is not the end God chiefly has in view: but when we are such as He can love without impediment, we shall in fact be happy” – CS. Lewis, “The Problem of Pain”

We need to be changed and altered. We cannot remain as we are now. We can agree upon this. And in my experiences of late, I’ve begun to wonder if much of our suffering comes from our resistance to that change. Yes, we know that we need to be different, and part of us wants to change, but in certain areas of our life, we would prefer that God leave us alone. We would like to keep certain parts to ourselves, and have all the rest changed and perfected. But that’s not the way it works. As George MacDonald wrote, “No, there is no escape. There is no heaven with a little of hell in it – no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather.”

The more we hold on to our own lives, the more it will be painful when God says to us “I love you, and I need you to give this up.” This is why Corrie Ten Boom said, “I’ve learned to hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pried my fingers from it”.

My encouragement to you is to hold everything loosely. As you feel God telling you to let go of something, let go. It’s frightening, painful yet exhilarating at the same time. There are only better things waiting for you. I’d like to close with a few more words from Lewis, and then from the Apostle Paul.

“Human will becomes truly creative and truly our own when it is wholly God’s, and this is one of the many sense in which he that loses his soul shall find it.” – CS Lewis

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Some Things Never Change

You ever have one of those frustrating days? Where so many things just...frustrate you? And you feel the need to reach to an overused phrase to describe how you feel?

"Some things never change."

I tried google-ing that phrase and all sorts of things came up. Song lyrics, quotes, politics, but my favorite by far was this (I found it posted on a random thread):

Boy meets girl.

Girl likes boy.

Parents don't approve.

Some things never change.

-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet


But that's another topic for another posted.

When I initially thought of the phrase "some things never change", I thought of using it as a way to express, well, my frustration.

People will always act in certain ways in accordance with their personalities, no matter how much you hope they might change. Some people will just always be insensitive jerks and have no clue. I think you can see where I'm going with this. I could list off a million things that never seem to change, and that's what I started to do. When I sat down to write this, I was ready and armed with a list of things that have never changed.

They were primarily negative, of course.

But then something really minor happened on Facebook and it got me thinking: why did I decide that it's a bad thing that some things never change? There are plenty of things that don't change, and I'm grateful that they don't change.

The biggest thing would be God. He doesn't change. He will always love me. Even when everyone else is an insensitive jerk, He's still there. He still loves me when I don't respond well to the insensitive jerks in my life. He still loves me when I'm the one being an insensitive jerk.

Maybe it's time that I start to rely on the good things that never change than expecting the bad things to never change.

Book # 6 - Julius Caesar

The 6th book I read was actually a play - "Julius Caesar" by William Shakespeare. You may be surprised to learn that I never had to read that particular play in high school. (It was due to our World Literature curriculum). So it has sat on my shelf for a couple of years now, and each time I look at it I think "I really ought to read that..." and then I find something else to read.

It only took me a couple of hours to make it through the entire play and I had very few comprehension issues. It seemed much more straightforward and easy-to-understand in comparison with some of Shakespeare's other works. There really isn't much to say about it, other than the fact that I would recommend it to anyone wishing to expand their knowledge of Shakespeare. And it's great to finally know the context of several of his most famous lines.

These Are A Few of My Favorite...Books

I realized the other day that I've never actually created a "Top 10" List of my favorite books.

Firth, the nominees (in no particular order)

-A Grief Observed by CS Lewis
-The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis
-Prince Caspian by CS Lewis
-Why the Rest Hates the West by Meic Pearse
-Nancy Drew Series by Carolyn Keene
-Little Women by Louis May Alcott
-North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell
-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
-The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
-The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende
-The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
-The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare
-Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
-The Ishbane Conspiracy by Randy Alcorn
-What A Girl Wants by Kristin Billerbeck
-Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
-Candide by Voltaire
-Jesus of Nazareth by Pope Benedict XVI
-Making Sense of It All by Thomas Morris
-The Four Love by CS Lewis
-Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton
-The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton
-Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
-Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
-Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson
-Me, Myself and Bob by Phil Visher
-Eight Cousins by Louisa May Alcott
-The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
-The Bridge on the Drina by Ivo Andric
-The Clash of Civilization by Samuel P Huntington

The Criteria for the Top Ten:
-A book that I've completely finished (There are some books that I absolutely love, but haven't finished a chapter or two)
-It has made an impact on my life in some sort of way
-I would recommend it to a friend without hesitation

The Final List (in no particular order)

A Grief Observed by CS Lewis
This is one of my favorite works by CS Lewis. There is so much raw emotion and passion in such few chapters. Getting a glimpse of what grief was like to one of the "giants" of Christianity truly gave me a lot of comfort during my own dark days.

The Nancy Drew Series by Carolyn Keene
Easily my favorite book series growing up. I remember wanting to cry the day I realized I had read all of the Nancy Drew books in the library. And it was a series that I could share with my mom and grandmother who had also grown up reading those books. For many years I wanted to be just like Nancy Drew when I grew up.

Eight Cousins by Lousia May Alcott
This was the first book I read when I was venturing into more "adult" books (or what seemed to me at the time to be adult books). I remember loving the story, the writing style and being fascinated by the differing educational/child rehearing philosophies presented in the book. (I was probably around 9 or 10 at the time).

North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell
I bought this book last year during the Mayterm trip around the Balkans. It was the most emotionally involved I had been in a book since...probably middle school. It wasn't just a romantic story - there were political and philosophical tensions that were described in detail, giving so much food for thought.

Candide by Voltaire
I find this work to be hilarious. And I absolutely love it. I read it a few years ago for fun, then last year for a class, and each time I encounter it, I appreciate the humor more and more.

Jesus of Nazareth by Pope Benedict XVI
During the fall semester (2009), I was part of a Book/Bible study that used this particular work. It follows the life of Jesus from His Baptism to the Transfiguration and offers such great insight into everything thing that He did, detailing the differing opinions from the early church fathers to today. Jesus has never really seemed the same since.

Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton
I originally purchased this book because I had some Border Rewards bucks to use up. It sat on my shelf until I had to do a book review for the InterVarsity group at college. I had three days to read it in, and it was probably the craziest I've ever been when trying to read a book. Every page is packed with so much gold, I ran out of post it notes trying to mark everything. So much of what Chesterton said about Christianity resonated with my own beliefs and has changed the way I view my own life.

Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
In truth, I love pretty much anything Jane Austen has written. But Mansfield Park has become my favorite, mainly because when I read it this summer, I could sympathize with Fanny's dilemmas, worries, and considerations.

The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
This is such a terrific book! I read this a few years after I had watched the Wishbone version, and it was probably the darkest thing I had read at that point in my life. But it is so well-written, it will always be my favorite Sherlock Holmes mystery.

The Bridge on the Drina by Ivo Andric
I read this novel during the spring semester of my freshman year. If you can get past the gruesome scene in the second chapter, it's really fantastic. It takes snapshots, basically folk stories, that surround a particular bridge in Eastern Europe. The clashing of different cultures, the impact of the tide of history, it really opened my eyes to what people in other parts of the world face. If you can't travel to the Balkans, this is the next best thing.


Feel free to dispute this list!

Beauty, Relationships and Worth

I really hate this age.

Maybe hate is a strong word. I extremely dislike this age. For one simple reason: this is the age when it finally becomes acceptable to fall in love and get married. And whenever anything becomes acceptable, that means that everyone has to start doing it right? At least that's what it has felt like recently. I've lost track of how many friends are in relationships, getting engaged or getting married. And for a girl, that can get rather depressing when it seems like you're the only person whose Facebook status is still set at "Single".

That got me thinking. That thinking has, over the course of several weeks, gone off on many different tangents, which have lead me to several different, but related conclusions.

Tangent #1 - Beauty

We've talked for years about the pressure that our culture puts on women to look a certain way. Ever since middle school I remember being told that a person's true beauty is on the inside. And while that is easy to say and easy to believe on one level, when the rubber meets the road, it's not so easy. It's hard to believe that when everything in our culture is telling you that you're too fat, you're wearing the wrong clothes, you need to use more makeup and more hair products, and that the man of your dreams won't ever come along until you diet just a little more, spend just a little more on your clothes, add just a little more makeup, and figure out how to walk in 4 inch heels. Because that's what men really want, they assert.

I think we can all agree that that is just stupid. Proverbs has some great stuff to say about the wife of noble character in chapter 31. When you feel like you're not beautiful, for whatever the reason, sometimes you just have to walk up to a mirror, take a deep breath, tell yourself that you're beautiful no matter what, then go have a long chat with God. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Tangent #2 - Relationships

There's an immense amount of pressure to be in some sort of a relationship. This isn't helped at all by the fact that I attend a small conservative Christian college where the four main extracurricular activities are falling in love, getting engaged, getting married and having children. But for girls at least there is a sense that there's something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship with someone. Clearly you aren't pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough...whatever enough, for a guy to love you.

This isn't exactly a new phenomenon. I was going to do the research, but I'm not a Bible or Theology major, but there are multiple accounts of women in the Old Testament feeling ashamed because they didn't have children. Hannah, the mother of Samuel, comes to mind. And all those women who gave birth when they were passed the age where they believed they could have children. Think of the ridicule they endured! But God heard each prayer and provided in time according to His will.

I think it's important to remember, as my friend Angela pointed out the other day, that singleness is not just a phase of life. It's not a punishment. What's important is to focus on God and to serve Him - for some people, they will best serve Him with a partner. For others, like the Apostle Paul, they will best serve Him by being single. If you focus on Him, He'll give you all that you need, no matter where you are or who you are with.

Conclusions about Worth

The problem with these pressures about beauty and relationships is that you can easily define your worth based on them. If I'm beautiful enough, someone will love me, and that will make me worthwhile. I mean something if I'm considered beautiful. I mean something if I'm in a relationship. And if I'm not in a relationship, I'm not beautiful, and that means I'm not worth much.

But that's not where our worth should be based.

Our worth comes from God alone. We have intrinsic value because He created us. And loves us. To the point where He sent His Son to die for us.

But it's so easy to forget that. I know that firsthand.

Ever since I can remember, I would define myself as being smart. I was the smart one in the class, the one who liked to read books all the time and put way too much time into her schoolwork. A few more years went by, and I could add the traits of having musical talent and have a unique sense of humor. As my friendships developed, people called me loyal. By the end of middle school, I was the smart girl, the band geek, who had an excellent work ethic and was loyal to her friends. Then came high school, where I took those traits to the next level. Not only was I a smart girl with an excellent work ethic - I became a workaholic. I wasn't just a band geek - most of my free time was spent with musical groups and I eventually became a mini assistant band director. Then came college, where I've not only been loyal to friends, but I've let them take me for granted and walk all over me without saying a word.

I believed that my worth was based on grades. My worth was based on my musical performances. My worth was based on my friendships. I strove for the applause of my teachers, my music instructors, the audiences, and my friends. Not much else mattered. Yes, that whole time I was a Christian. Yes, I knew that God loved me no matter what. Yes, I wanted to please Him. But on at least one level I believe that these people represented Him - if they were pleased, then He was pleased.

God doesn't like faulty logic any more than philosophers do. He set about fixing that. And whenever He needs to teach me a spiritual lesson, He takes out the 2x4.

Over the years, He's painfully removed those sources of applause. My first clarinet instructor and my Grandma passed away in high school - two of the biggest supporters of my musical endeavors. Band instructors came and left. My grades took a hit when I went to college. Most recently, I've discovered that I don't enjoy being a doormat, which means there are painful changes and losses of friendship.

As I sat thinking about this the other night, I wasn't too happy with God. How could He keep taking away those sources of applause from me? Was it all going to keep disappearing until I never got them anymore? When I finally got smart enough to shut up, He told me something completely different.

"You can't hear my applause until the applause from the crowd dies down".

Which brings me full circle. Our worth does come from God alone. And He will not be satisfied until there is nothing that obstructs our view of Him. He will take it all away until we have trained our ears to just listen for Him. My mom has this written on her desk: "I've learned to hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pried my fingers from it" (Corrie Ten Boom), and it is so true.

Forgiveness

It seems like there are some lessons that we will never stop learning. Just when you think you finally understand something, God throws a curve ball at you.

I thought that I knew what forgiveness was. After all, I've apologized to people all my life and had them forgive me, and I had done the same for others. Countless times someone would say something or do something, and I would tell them "It's okay. I forgive you." Life would just continue as before.

Isn't that what forgiveness is all about? Apparently not.

A couple weeks ago I realized something. I realized that someone I had always considered to be a friend didn't really act as if we were friends. Sure, we would both say that we were very good friends, but as I took some time to consider our friendship, I could tell that this person didn't really care about it. They didn't treat me with respect and had often used our friendship to serve their own purposes. Half the time they were just self-absorbed. But the worst part was feeling like the person considered me to be a second-class citizen. While I had often felt that before, I would always write it off as that person just having a bad day. Any time the person was insensitive (to the point of being cold), or just treated me like a jerk, I just kept telling myself that I needed to forgive and forget. The person was just having problems. They didn't mean it. Things would turn around. (As I read over this paragraph, it doesn't begin to describe what hurt I felt, so if you think I'm being overly dramatic, you'll just have to trust me).

Obviously since I'm writing about this, things didn't turn around. And one evening I found myself shocked at what I had believed and how I had let someone treat me. The shock quickly melted away into anger. I was furious. People talk about seeing red, and I was as close as I have ever come to that point. Hell may have no fury like a woman scorned, but the second worst thing is a hurt friend. Eventually as I calmed down over the course of a few days, there was a little voice that told me I needed to forgive this person.

Sometimes I really hate that voice.

I decided to explain to God why I couldn't possibly forgive that person. Sure, I'd try hard to not treat them poorly, but I couldn't just forgive them. After all, they didn't realize that they had wronged me. They would probably never know how much they hurt me. So why bother forgiving someone who doesn't know they did anything wrong?

"Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."" (Luke 23:34)

Forgiveness is not just forgiving the people who we can forgive. It's forgiving the people who will never know what it took to forgive them.

What my friend did to me is similar to what we all do to God. We enter into a relationship with Him, and things seem to be great. Then we stop caring. We still say that we're in a relationship with Him, but we spend less and less time together. We go off and have fun with others, while we break His heart. And we don't even realize how much pain we're giving Him. But He still forgives us.

"We are most like beasts when we kill. We are most like men when we judge. We are most like God when we forgive."

Book #5 - "Mansfield Park"

This morning I finished "Mansfield Park" by Jane Austen. I made it halfway through on Sunday and by this morning I only had 50 pages left. One of the quickest reads I've ever had for a book of this size.

In my opinion, "Mansfield Park" is Jane Austen at her finest. The characters are wonderfully created, and the feelings that she stirs in the reader towards each one of them is so very realistic. You can't truly hate any of them. Yes, there are a few which might offend or upset you, but I still found myself being somewhat understanding as to why they did what they did. And instead of wishing evil upon any of them, you wish that they would see the errors of their ways and improve.

The heroine, Fanny Price is completely lovable. She's not perfect, but her situation garners sympathy. The cast of characters that surround her- Sir Thomas, Aunt Norris, Lady Bertram, Edmund, The Crawfords, William - are not only colorful but realistic. Since it is a Jane Austen novel, there are various romantic developments, but Fanny's affections seem to take a much more natural course than many of Austen's other characters. Furthermore, while it may seem clear at first which way the various marriages will lead, Austen does an excellent job of causing the reader to believe otherwise, then gives a sudden (and hilarious) curve ball, which nicely wraps up the novel as one might expect.

This gives me an updated ranking of my favorite Jane Austen works:
#1 Mansfield Park
#2 Sense and Sensibility
#3 Emma
#4 Pride and Prejudice
#5 Persuasion

I still need to read "Northanger Abbey", but that may not come until close to the end of the summer.

Prayer

I hate asking people to pray for me.

I know that seems bizarre, but I really do. When I was little, I could always come up with something during prayer request time in Sunday School, but back then, we all did because we thought we had to. We spent many Sundays praying for the Yankees. It didn't seem to help.

As I've gotten older, I developed this idea that I shouldn't ask people to pray for me. I have no idea where that idea came from. It became fully ingrained into my way of thinking, to the point where I felt guilty if I asked someone to pray for me. I felt like it was almost a spiritual form of whining. What right do I have to ask people to pray for me? My problems aren't nearly as bad as Person A, B or C, so I'm being utterly selfish by asking someone else to pray for me.

That started to change when I went to college. I learned that it was, in fact, okay for one Christian to ask another to pray for specific needs. I'll admit, I practically became infatuated with the idea of everyone lifting each other up in prayer. It was so great to know that I could go to others with my needs, large or small, and to know that I wouldn't receive judgment for asking for help. Even more than that, I felt like I could actually do something for people by praying for them. It seemed like such a great idea - since everyone is praying for each other, we can all ask each other for prayer, and no one needs to feel guilty that he or she is "hogging" all the prayer time.

But then something happened. Something changed this year, and I'm not quite sure what it was. Perhaps people consider me to be less trustworthy. Perhaps every one's problems were miraculously solved. Whatever the cause, people stopped asking for prayer. Sure, they would complain about everything from A to Z, but after describing some sort of pain, annoyance or difficult situation, very few people would ever say "So yeah, I'd really appreciate some prayer about that". Maybe it's just part of a "Christian culture" that everyone assumes that if they complain about something, others will interpret that as a prayer request. But that seems like a silly assumption to me. And since no one else seemed to be asking for prayer, every time I asked someone to pray for me, I began to feel guilty again. I kept going to my friends, asking if there was anything I could do for them, or pray about for them, and more times than not, they'd smile and say that no, they couldn't think of anything.

And we wonder why folks call the Church fake.

When Jesus wasn't working, He was praying. And He wasn't afraid to ask people to pray with Him - even though the disciples fell asleep, Jesus still kept asking them to pray.

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:13-16, NIV (emphasis added)

I'd like to offer a two-part challenge: go ask someone to pray for you, even if it's simply an "unspoken" request. Then, ask someone how you can pray for them. We can't help each other too much.

Book #4 - "Jane Austen Ruined My Life"

Book #4 - "Jane Austen Ruined My Life" by Beth Pattillo

I will admit, I was a little weary when I first picked up the book. There are so many books that try to use Jane Austen as a means of inspiration (and a way to sell copies), so I didn't want to get my hopes up. But this was fantastic! A young Jane Austen scholar's life is ruined when she discovers her husband had an affair, and she blames Jane Austen for teaching her to believe in happy endings. She gets invited to London to meet with a mysterious old lady who claims to have knowledge of the whereabouts of various missing letters by Jane Austen. She decides to meet this woman, and see if she can use these letters to her advantage. She also runs into a former best friend (male, of course), and goes through a series of tasks, learning more about the true Jane Austen, and changing her perspective on romance and happy endings - but not in the way that you'd expect!

The great thing about this book is that it does take time to teach you about Jane Austen - using actual facts. And the other clearly lets you know exactly what was made up at the end of the book. The characters are very believable. And the ending is pleasant, but unexpected. Best of all, the author didn't try to recreate Jane Austen's style (which always seems so forced) and can really get you thinking about what you actually want out of life. I couldn't put it down!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

I can be very stubborn.

This is not inherently a bad thing, and I would defend myself by saying that I have "selective stubbornness". I am stubborn when I want to be.

Yesterday I learned an important about stubbornness.

Mondays are generally not a great day for anyone. It's the beginning of the week, everyone wishes that they could sleep in, and when the weather is nice, it just makes things even worse. When I first woke up yesterday, I was tempted to just go back to bed. I was exhausted, and did not have any plans for the day. Instead, I decided to get up and try to do something. Not the wisest decision on my part. I could barely get moving, and when I did finally get set for the day, I walked out of the house...and locked myself out. At that point, I was tired, had a headache, was furious at myself for making such a stupid mistake, and then had to walk to my mom's work to get a key because we don't hide a spare anyplace. This, of course, did not help my mood.

By dinnertime, I still wasn't overly happy. We went out to dinner, and as we were sitting in Friendly's, a bird flew into the window. For those who might not know this about me, I really hate to see animals get hurt or be killed. I can't watch movies with animals in them because I'm too afraid that something will happen to the animals. I still cry when Mufasa dies in "The Lion King". To try to eat dinner while watching a bird struggle to recover from running into the window was asking a lot out of me. And it was not like what you see in videos - he didn't just sit up and fly away. It took the bird about 15 minutes to recover. I'm sure most people would have laughed at it, but I was horrified as I watched it struggle to stand up. But eventually the bird did manage to walk away, just fine.

During the course of dinner, I was talking to my parents about my concerns over my summer job. I'm giving music lessons, and it can be harder to try to get new students, especially when there's a major arts center in town. Finally, my mom asked me if I had talked to God about it.

Oops.

In my stubbornness, I had tried to figure out every possible way of getting new students. I was close to the point of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up. I love to teach, but I was pretty sure this wasn't worth it. But I hadn't bothered to bring it up to God. I don't know exactly why - perhaps I felt I could do it on my own, maybe I took it for granted that He'd help, I'm not sure. For whatever reason, I had avoided going to the best resource I had.

This morning, my mom left me a note before she went to work. She said "I was reminded of the song "His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me. Remember the bird yesterday?"

If God cares enough to make sure that birds recover after running into glass, He cares enough to help His children when they've run themselves into a brick wall. Just remember that no matter what you're facing, even if it seems completely insignificant, God does want you to bring it to Him.

All I can think of is VeggieTales: "God made you special and He loves you very much!"

Mayterm Review

This year, I did not spend Mayterm tromping around Europe. I spent three weeks at a nearby high school and elementary school observing and learning from two teachers. It was an interesting experience, really stretching. I drove back to college one night a week to discuss the experience with 6 other students and our professor. And we took one field trip to two inner city schools to observe what it was like to teach under very different circumstances. At the end I had to write up a report on my experiences. Rather than write an entire blog entry separately, I'll just post my report (which was limited to 2 pages). I've taken out the names of the teachers I observed. If you're simply dying to know who they were and where I observed, please feel free to ask.



During the course of my Mayterm observation experience, I learned much about the world of music education in our schools. There are many responsibilities and challenges facing music educators today. Music educators are not only responsible for introducing students to the world of music and increasing their knowledge of the subject area. As educators, they are responsible for the safety of students whenever they are with them during school or at other events. This can be a challenge when there are close to 100 students in one band or chorus. At one point during my observations, a student had to be suspended because he did not report directly to band afterschool and instead went to his daycare, and neither the classroom teacher nor the band director knew where he was. Communication between music educators and administrative staff can also be a challenge at times. If an administrator was not part of a music program as a child, they may not understand the importance of the program to the school, which puts the program at risk when budget cuts are necessary. When parents express concerns about the program, it is helpful to have the support of administrators support the program. Another challenge involving music educators is in creating continuity between various grade levels in the program. Differing teaching philosophies amongst educators, and an unwillingness to reach a compromise, ultimately stunts the students’ musical growth as well as the growth of the overall program.

There are many different skills and qualities needed in order to become an effective music educator. Patience is needed when dealing with students, teachers, administrators, parents and community members. Being flexible is also important, in order to deal with unexpected situations. Creativity is also needed to find solutions to problems that may not have been discussed in college. High school band directors especially need to be able to multitask and have enough stamina to last through before and after school rehearsals and evening music activities. Music educators also need to learn how to do basic and common repairs on instruments, especially school owned instruments, in order to help cut down on costs and so that students will have instruments to practice instead of waiting a week for them to come back from the repair shop. Music educators also need to be able to manage their time effectively and have good communication skills, both written and oral.

School music instruction is very important for the overall education of children. Students who participate in music programs tend to do better in their other studies. Music allows a different means for expressing oneself. It also teaches valuable life skills, such as team skills (there are no people on the bench in music), responsibility, commitment, and time management skills. And with various leadership positions, especially in marching band, students have the opportunity to gain important leadership skills. Music can also be used to enhance what the students are learning in other subject areas, especially through the use of comprehensive music education units. One method for expressing to administrators the importance of music education is to create a day where they can actually be given lessons on instruments, sit in a general music class and work on a piece as a choir. This helps them to better understand the skills needed to perform in a band or chorus, as well as the breadth of material covered in a general music class. This idea can also be used to create an open house for parents.

Mrs. _____ had several different comprehensive music education units that she used with her young bands. One unit was used each year and it typically involved the band, chorus and at least one other class, such as art. For the Big Band Unit, the students performed music by Gershwin and Glenn Miller in band and chorus. They also studied the major artists of that period. They completed listening logs and other projects as they learned about the history of the composers and artists. For the final concert they created a radio show that included interviews with the composers and artists in between performances of the music. Mrs. _____ also had similar units that focused on Classical Composers, Program Music and World Music. In this way, she integrated other subjects (other units integrated geography, science and language arts), helping meet content standards numbers eight and nine of the national standards for arts education. Mrs. _____ also developed an assessment method which involved video taping the students twice a year and having them complete rubrics and reflection statements on each video. At the end of each year the students would look back at the videos from previous years. This method of assessment will soon be added to the curriculum for Middle School and High School students. The idea of comprehensive music education was not observable at the high school level, and it would be beneficial to also use it with those students.

There were many effective teaching methods in use. Mrs. _____ used a checklist to help remind her students of proper “Musician Position”, “Embouchure” and “Air Support”. She also had them set goals for each half of the school year and referred to those goals in each lesson. By constantly reinforcing the proper basics of musicianship, she was creating a solid foundation for the students. Her emphasis on self-reflection helped to develop the student’s early cognitive abilities and aided them in taking ownership of their instrument. In lesson situations, Mr. _____ would take time to break things down into smaller chunks, making them less overwhelming for the student to process. He also gave a balanced amount of positive and negative remarks to help encourage the growth of musicianship in the students. There were also approaches that clearly were not working. Since students in the Wind Ensemble were not graded on lesson attendance, none of them came to lessons, which hurts the overall musicianship of the music program. It also creates resentment from the students in the Concert Band who are still required to attend lessons. While Marching Band is optional in the Fall, in the Spring the students are required to attend two parades, but those who did not participate in the Fall vigorously protest having to be involved and some even worked to undermine the performance. It is now being proposed that only the students who choose to do Marching Band will have to attend competitions, football games and parades. There also were no effective means of getting the students’ attention during marching band rehearsals, both indoor and outdoor, indicating a lack of respect for the director.

This experience has expanded my understanding of what it means to be a music educator. This course did make me question my choice to be a music educator. When I observed the challenges and difficulties of not having enough money in the budget, or facing staff reductions and the amount of stress that puts on a director, I began to doubt whether or not I could handle those challenges. I also observed what happened in an area where music was not generally supported by the public or the administration, and the challenge of working with students who had little respect for the subject or the director. I was unsure as to whether or not I could ever teach under those circumstances, and if I should reconsider what I was doing. But as I talked with the teachers, I learned that the rewards of the job far outweigh these challenges. As I watched the younger students get excited about music, both in band and lessons, I learned that while a music educator may not receive public accolades, knowing that you have been able to ignite a passion for what you love in a student is worth everything.

"What to Listen for in Music" (Book #3)

Book #3 - "What to Listen for in Music" by Aaron Copland

This is a fantastic book! And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Music Ed major! This is a relatively short, easy-to-understand read for anyone who is looking to get more out of a concert experience. Copland was one of the best American composers, and he approaches this book as a composer who wants to help the layman understand what he should listen to in a musical piece. He first tackles the different sections of music (melody, rhythm, harmony, form), then gives introductory discussions on various styles. He does it all without using difficult terminology and helps the reader understand the importance of being an active, rather than a passive listener. I know I have trouble paying attention during concerts, and this book has given me some new insights on how to get more out of the experience (and hopefully not fall asleep!)

"Plato and a Platypus Walk Into A Bar" (Book #2)

The second book of the summer reading list (which wasn't on the original list, but it was on sale at Barnes and Noble) was "Plato and a Platypus Walk Into A Bar" by by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein. It's a hilarious book written by two philosophy majors who attempt to explain all of the complex ideas in philosophy using - jokes! While it might not cover every aspect of philosophy, it certainly covers everything we learned in 3M (Metaphysics, Morality and Mind - basically Philosophy 101 at college), and a bit more. There's always a little introduction to an idea before at least one or more jokes that show what the idea is all about. I have to admit, I now understand some of the concepts better than I did after a whole semester! Before you run out and buy it, I would caution that it's sprinkled with less than appropriate jokes throughout, so that's something to consider before purchasing.

"Emma" by Jane Austen (Book #1)

"Emma" by Jane Austen was the first book that I finished this summer. I have to admit, it took me longer to finish than a normal Jane Austen book because, well, Emma Woodhouse is rather annoying at first. She's a wealthy, comfortable daughter of an established family. Her mother is dead, her sister Isabella has married and moved to London, and her governess Miss Taylor marries a man and lives nearby. Her father is practically an invalid and Emma has resolved to never marry, because she never wants to leave him alone. What follows is a few poor matchmaking jobs, rejected proposals, and finally everyone falls in love and marries the people they are supposed to marry. All in all, a wonderful story!

I've read three other works by Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion), and while I love them all, Emma has easily come in the #2 favorite spot (right behind Sense and Sensibility). While Emma Woodhouse is an annoying character at first, her dedication to her family and her good intentions in (almost) everything that she does makes her rather endearing. And the colorful collection of characters that surround her are always amusing.

Summer Reading

I haven't really given much thought to my reading list for this summer. My goal will be to finish up some of the books that I've started, and spend some time enjoying my latest stash from Barnes and Noble. And then there's a few that I'll probably buy towards the end of the summer. They are in no particular order

Books To Finish:

Who Are We? by Samuel Huntington (I started this last summer while traveling through Europe. I've made it about halfway)

Some Thoughts Concerning Education by John Locke (I start this a few days before heading back to school last August. I didn't get very far, but I'm excited to start it again)

Miracles by CS Lewis (I'm a little more than halfway through it...it's taking me a while)

New Book Stash from BN:

The Madonnas of Leningrad by Debra Dean

Bel Canto by Ann Patchett

The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Hahn Beer

Jane Austen Ruined My Life by Beth Pattillo

Me and Mr. Darcy by Alexandra Potter

Becoming Jane Austen by Jon Spence

Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

Emma by Jane Austen

(Yes, those are all VERY girly books - cut me some slack!)

The Day of Battle: The War in Sicily and Italy, 1943-1944 by Rick Atkinson. It was recommended to me by a history buff I stayed with in Berlin. It's the second volume of "The Liberation Trilogy" (I need to find the first Volume - An Army At Dawn).

Books I Will Purchase At A Later Date:

Resounding Truth by Jeremy Begbie

C.S. Lewis: A Shiver of Wonder by Derick Bingham



And I will gladly take any other suggestions!

A New Year

(Part 1 of a undetermined amount of parts welcoming in the New Year)

Welcome to 2010! As usual, I haven't written all semester, so it didn't really make sense for me to write up an entry about resolutions for the new year, but some habits just don't die.

I just flipped back to my entry from 2009, where I critiqued my previous resolution and set some new ones. So here were the goals for 2009:

-Practice my clarinet more

I seem to make that a goal every year, and the same thing happens. Nothing changes. To top it off, I spent nearly 6 weeks away from my clarinet this summer.

-Do my laundry more often so it doesn't take half a day

Well, it partially worked. I did manage to do my laundry more often at the beginning of sophomore year, but it still took a while, and by the end, I ended up bringing my laundry home for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.

-Consistently keep my room clean

This was almost an epic fail. My room will forever show the amount of stress in my life - the more stress, the more clutter, until I get so stressed, I drop everything and clean up my room at the most inconvenient time possible.

-Create a study/play schedule that gets me to bed at a decent hour

If I remember correctly, I didn't even bother to attempt such a thing.

-Take more personal time, to simply listen to music or journal

That finally started happening a month or so ago, and I did do a lot of journaling while in Europe, but this will be a continued project

-My goal for the summer of 2009: see how many works of CS Lewis I can read in one summer

This may be the first resolution I was actually able to keep!! I read 6 of Lewis' books, and started a 7th. I'm quite proud of that accomplishment!

-Finally be able to reconcile my past with my present and trusting God to help me move forward

I can honestly say -"what was I thinking?!" That is not something that I can simply make as a New Year's resolution and hope that it will come true.


When thinking about the new year, I kept thinking about change. What I wanted to do to change myself in some way, to better myself. But I think I have it all wrong. Instead of looking to create a better me, I should be looking for ways to discover my true self. Or rediscover..

I've thought a lot about what I think is wrong with me, and ways I could change. Things that I desperately want to change about myself. My compulsive perfectionism is one huge part of that. I've come to realize how much of a destructive force that has been in my life since, oh, about 7th grade. Anytime I didn't meet the standards I had set for myself, I would beat myself up terribly about it, and then tell myself I just had to work harder and focus more. And so I did. I kept chasing after these standards till someone, who I thought had a good piece of advice, suggested that my standards were too high. So I lowered by standards, thinking that then I would be content. But I hated myself even more for having lowered the standards, and became stressed out about...not stressing out! I've decided that the person who told me to lower my standards is, in the nicest, most Christian way of putting it, an idiot. As a compulsive perfectionist, my self-esteem and self-worth has been completely tied into my schoolwork and my music. Lowering my standards did nothing to change that, and in fact made the situation much worse. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, but it's my reaction to my failure to reach those standards that's the problem. A failure in schoolwork shouldn't devastate my sense of self-worth. So this year, I'm trying something different. I'm going to admit that I have a competitive edge, and I'm going to aim for the best that I can possibly do - but in a number of categories (which I won't get to in here). I'm going to aim towards being well-rounded, but I'm going to push myself to be the best well-rounded person I can be.

The other part, involving my self-esteem and self-worth I got a bit of insight from today during church. One of my professors (Dr. Pearse) from school came to speak at a friend's church, and I always love having the opportunity to annoy him, so I heard him "preach" on "Why The Rest Hates The West" (he has a book out by that same title - I would completely recommend it!). In the midst of a number of points I am already familiar with (having read his book and survived his course), but one thing stuck out to me that I didn't catch the first time. In the modern West, we've lost our sense of identity, and need to fill it somehow (usually by consumerism). The freedom that we so greatly value has freed us from the ties which would have given us a grounding for answering the question "who am I?". He compared that to the great hymn writer, Issac Watts, who wrote

"When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of glory died,
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.

Were the whole realm
of nature mine,
that were an offer far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all."

Contrast that with our Western self-loathing. We might think Watts an egomaniac for thinking that the best gift he could give God was Himself. But in truth, it's because he had a proper view of himself. We are created in the image of God. We have greater worth than the whole realm of nature. Driving back from church, I was listening to David Crowder's Church Music album, and the song came up "We Are Loved". The chorus is

"O we are loved
We are loved
And it's quite enough that
We are loved"

For perhaps the first time, I'm starting to come to grips with this idea of our worth driving from being created Imago Dei, and that God loves us. For years I kept thinking that when people told me to seek my worth from God, I was suppose to seek applause from Him, just as I did from everyone else. But that's not it at all.

So this year, it's about becoming my real self, working my way through the lies I've believed for too long. It's still confusing at this point, and there's a long way to go, but this is certainly going to be an interesting year.