Beauty, Relationships and Worth

I really hate this age.

Maybe hate is a strong word. I extremely dislike this age. For one simple reason: this is the age when it finally becomes acceptable to fall in love and get married. And whenever anything becomes acceptable, that means that everyone has to start doing it right? At least that's what it has felt like recently. I've lost track of how many friends are in relationships, getting engaged or getting married. And for a girl, that can get rather depressing when it seems like you're the only person whose Facebook status is still set at "Single".

That got me thinking. That thinking has, over the course of several weeks, gone off on many different tangents, which have lead me to several different, but related conclusions.

Tangent #1 - Beauty

We've talked for years about the pressure that our culture puts on women to look a certain way. Ever since middle school I remember being told that a person's true beauty is on the inside. And while that is easy to say and easy to believe on one level, when the rubber meets the road, it's not so easy. It's hard to believe that when everything in our culture is telling you that you're too fat, you're wearing the wrong clothes, you need to use more makeup and more hair products, and that the man of your dreams won't ever come along until you diet just a little more, spend just a little more on your clothes, add just a little more makeup, and figure out how to walk in 4 inch heels. Because that's what men really want, they assert.

I think we can all agree that that is just stupid. Proverbs has some great stuff to say about the wife of noble character in chapter 31. When you feel like you're not beautiful, for whatever the reason, sometimes you just have to walk up to a mirror, take a deep breath, tell yourself that you're beautiful no matter what, then go have a long chat with God. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Tangent #2 - Relationships

There's an immense amount of pressure to be in some sort of a relationship. This isn't helped at all by the fact that I attend a small conservative Christian college where the four main extracurricular activities are falling in love, getting engaged, getting married and having children. But for girls at least there is a sense that there's something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship with someone. Clearly you aren't pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough...whatever enough, for a guy to love you.

This isn't exactly a new phenomenon. I was going to do the research, but I'm not a Bible or Theology major, but there are multiple accounts of women in the Old Testament feeling ashamed because they didn't have children. Hannah, the mother of Samuel, comes to mind. And all those women who gave birth when they were passed the age where they believed they could have children. Think of the ridicule they endured! But God heard each prayer and provided in time according to His will.

I think it's important to remember, as my friend Angela pointed out the other day, that singleness is not just a phase of life. It's not a punishment. What's important is to focus on God and to serve Him - for some people, they will best serve Him with a partner. For others, like the Apostle Paul, they will best serve Him by being single. If you focus on Him, He'll give you all that you need, no matter where you are or who you are with.

Conclusions about Worth

The problem with these pressures about beauty and relationships is that you can easily define your worth based on them. If I'm beautiful enough, someone will love me, and that will make me worthwhile. I mean something if I'm considered beautiful. I mean something if I'm in a relationship. And if I'm not in a relationship, I'm not beautiful, and that means I'm not worth much.

But that's not where our worth should be based.

Our worth comes from God alone. We have intrinsic value because He created us. And loves us. To the point where He sent His Son to die for us.

But it's so easy to forget that. I know that firsthand.

Ever since I can remember, I would define myself as being smart. I was the smart one in the class, the one who liked to read books all the time and put way too much time into her schoolwork. A few more years went by, and I could add the traits of having musical talent and have a unique sense of humor. As my friendships developed, people called me loyal. By the end of middle school, I was the smart girl, the band geek, who had an excellent work ethic and was loyal to her friends. Then came high school, where I took those traits to the next level. Not only was I a smart girl with an excellent work ethic - I became a workaholic. I wasn't just a band geek - most of my free time was spent with musical groups and I eventually became a mini assistant band director. Then came college, where I've not only been loyal to friends, but I've let them take me for granted and walk all over me without saying a word.

I believed that my worth was based on grades. My worth was based on my musical performances. My worth was based on my friendships. I strove for the applause of my teachers, my music instructors, the audiences, and my friends. Not much else mattered. Yes, that whole time I was a Christian. Yes, I knew that God loved me no matter what. Yes, I wanted to please Him. But on at least one level I believe that these people represented Him - if they were pleased, then He was pleased.

God doesn't like faulty logic any more than philosophers do. He set about fixing that. And whenever He needs to teach me a spiritual lesson, He takes out the 2x4.

Over the years, He's painfully removed those sources of applause. My first clarinet instructor and my Grandma passed away in high school - two of the biggest supporters of my musical endeavors. Band instructors came and left. My grades took a hit when I went to college. Most recently, I've discovered that I don't enjoy being a doormat, which means there are painful changes and losses of friendship.

As I sat thinking about this the other night, I wasn't too happy with God. How could He keep taking away those sources of applause from me? Was it all going to keep disappearing until I never got them anymore? When I finally got smart enough to shut up, He told me something completely different.

"You can't hear my applause until the applause from the crowd dies down".

Which brings me full circle. Our worth does come from God alone. And He will not be satisfied until there is nothing that obstructs our view of Him. He will take it all away until we have trained our ears to just listen for Him. My mom has this written on her desk: "I've learned to hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pried my fingers from it" (Corrie Ten Boom), and it is so true.