Looking Back

The year of 2008. Wow. January of 2008 seems so long ago.
I was still in high school, in the middle of being tortured by IB, just waiting for that graduation day in June.
I was helping pick up the pieces of a torn band and handing them over to another new director.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time in the band room and the LGI.
Learning of my acceptance to college, and of my scholarships.
The intense (and fun) hours of preparation for Les Mis.
The craziness of trying to have a good parade season.
Cramming for all our IB exams (best cramming ever: Band Hallway. Hurd. Before the HoA exam. Everything you need to know about Canada in 10 min).
Not going on the senior trip, or doing senior skip day, and having about 5 people in our classes. Getting treated as an honorary senior Chorister member by HC.
The great instrument part hiding war of the spring.
Getting the best award ever: the tacky glue award.
The silly string attack.
Actually passing IB.
Actually graduating.
Going to a million and one grad parties.
The odd feeling of not having any projects to work on.
Playing my second official paid gig.
Having my first job giving piano lessons.
Doing my best to conquer an ever growing "to read" list...that ended up being revised several times.
Going on shopping trips to buy stuff for college.
Debating and discussing things with my small group girls.
Learning, actually learning, a crazy amount about the book of Romans.
Baking cookie cakes.
Watching the season premiere of psych.
Going to band camp, and not actually having any real responsibilities, but people still thought I knew everything and that I was in charge.
The pure amazingness of goodmitton (otherwise known as badminton without the rules). Discovering how much fun it is to play "Apples to Apples" for 2.5 hours...just for the sake of going through all the red cards.
Market Street "dates" with my best friends.
Move in day at college.
Meeting a ridiculous amount of people over the course of one weekend.
Celebrating my birthday.
Making new friends who practically become family.
Learning to bribe people with cookies.
Surviving the crazed 125th homecoming.
Going to the Dome to see EHS perform.
Planning a slightly evil attack on a friend's room for his birthday.
Learning so much from the professors....and the lunch table.
Discovering the futility of staying upset with any friend.
Learning to say "I'm sorry".
Learning to trust.
The several concerts and chapel performances.
The sheer amazingness of Prism.
The after Prism improv get-togethers.
Cookie parties.
Casey dates.
Finding ways to cope with finals week.
Making it home through a snow storm.
Spending the first few days home simply doing nothing at all.
Getting together with friends to ring in the new year.


When I look back on the past, whether the last year or my life in general, I'm finding that I have the tendency to over generalize everything. So often I either see all the bad things that happened, or I merely focus on the good, forgetting the "bad" I had to go through. Finding that balance has never been something I'm good at doing. Which is odd, considering that I try to be a realist as often as I can manage to be one (we won't talk about how often that happens). If I'm going to be accurate about my life, I have to take the good and bad, the black and white. There's a reason why half moon cookies are special (or in other areas they're called 'black and white cookies'). My life has been one giant half moon cookie. 2008 is a good year to use as a case study.

At the beginning of the year, I was very much in an "in between" place. The dark clouds of the previous months and years were now gray. Not the nice gray - the disgusting gray. I was doing auditions and other college stuff, or waiting to hear back. I was getting ready for a 3rd band director, and even though I knew she'd do a great job, it was still a transition time. Then, after so many months of dark clouds that lead to the gray clouds, the sun started to come out. I was finding out about my acceptance to colleges, substantial scholarships and whatnot. My favorite two classes were fun again (band and music, in case there was any question). No more fighting or politics. I could enjoy my end of my senior year. Sure, coming to the end of IB nearly killed me (or so it felt), but things were good. I was happy. One wise professora told me : "Remember these days when things turn dark again. Because they will". I thought I understood what she meant. I knew that dark times would come - I lived through them before. But I didn't truly grasp what she was saying. I had a summer of fun, relaxation, and anticipation.

Then I went to college, hardly knowing what to expect, but still having expectations. At first, I loved it. I loved everything about college. It was fantastic. But the darker days did come. There were issues that I wasn't prepared to deal with. Part of that was due to awareness, simply learning more about who I was, and who I wasn't. But things never stop there. Old issues decided that it was time to come back and bother me again. There were the nights I stayed up, caught up in a battle with my thoughts. The nights and days I spent arguing - with others, myself and foolishly enough, with my Creator. Now, don't get me wrong - at the same time things are dark, there are amazing memories to be made and remembered. I have the most amazing friends and family in the world, and if it weren't for them, I'd probably go insane. I'd like to publicly thank you, and you know who you are. Answered my questions that I'm sure seemed rather foolish. Took walks to help be burn off extra energy when I was furious with someone. Forgave me and loved me in spite of my insults and stubborn pride. You are my lifesavers.

So here I am. The end of a year. And I'm left wondering, who am I? I'm not the same person I was last year, not by a long shot. So much has changed. Am I fundamentally different, or are the changes not that substantial? Should I try to reverse the damages done by time? Could I, even if I tried?

Then in the stillness, I hear His voice. I want to speak, I want to ask why, I want Him to fix everything. I want it all to be clear and obvious, just like it used to be. Every moment I think I begin to understand what is going on, I become even more lost.

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger"
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. but every year you grow, you will find me bigger"

The discontent I feel now isn't the end. It means that He's going to move me from this place. But He's much bigger than I previously thought. So instead of throwing my hands up in the area and impatiently tapping my foot, I might as well get used to not understanding what is going on.

It's going to be an interesting year.