I Believe

There are some moments that make you believe. Then there are moments that make you believe you believe.

When first arriving at college, I was so excited to be challenged. I was ready to have my horizons widened, and ready to learn much more about my faith. I couldn't wait to start that exploration. I quickly discovered that I wouldn't be learning as much from my professors as I would from my peers. That's not to say that my professors weren't excellent examples of faith, or that I learned nothing from them - I certainly did. But they didn't challenge me as much as my peers. I had grown up in what I considered to be a fairly conservative town, went to the same Baptist church for most of my life, and I had what I thought to be an average set of beliefs of the Christian faith. I was shocked when my friends and I started to get into discussions of our faith. While we shared many common beliefs that are basic tenets of the Christian faith, there were innumerable differences.

Looking back, I realize that this shouldn't have surprised me nearly as much as it did. The variety among denominations may not be widely seen in my home town, but it clearly evident at my dinner table at school. After the initial surprise, I took in each and every conversation, making mental notes, carefully trying to remember what exactly each person said, how that tied into their other beliefs, and what Scriptural evidence they had.

Then something happened. I'm not sure when exactly, but I froze. I didn't know it then, but I began to lose my belief. Not my belief in the Christian God, but belief in myself. The views that others expressed were so different that at times it was hard to believe we were still talking about the same God. So I preceded to doubt myself, thinking that somewhere along the line my spiritual training failed, and that I knew very little that I was supposed to know. This lead me on a seemingly endless search to try to get it all sorted out intellectually, and it took all of first semester. Coming to the end of the semester, I had more questions than answers, and resigned myself to the fact that perhaps I just wouldn't be sure unless I was able to find the time to read all the great works of the faith and do a serious independent study. Which wouldn't be very likely to happen, being a music major and all. So I'd have to be content with learning from various discussions and slowly wading through the questions. After all, I felt like I was starting over from scratch.

Over break, there were a combination of moments over the course of a few days that left me somewhat puzzled, but in the best way possible. I felt like God was showing me something, but something I just couldn't quite make out. But the feeling was incredible. All I can describe it is "Ah! So that's what You meant". I felt an incredible peace about the past semester, and unbelievable joy and excitement for the future. Things which had grown old and mundane, almost painful, during the previous semester were given new life. I saw my passions reignited. I was floored. And those moments which opened my eyes in and of themselves may not have seemed like anything, but together they were so powerful.

I was sure that when I returned to school that this feeling wouldn't last - it was a feeling after all. But even when I get tired, stressed and confused, I can't shake it. It's more than a fleeting feeling. I can scarcely hope, but I do pray, that I am learning true joy. That I'm learning to find something good and great that God does each day in my life.

I believe.

Probably the most powerful thing that has happened has been an assurance of faith. I didn't get Him wrong. I'm not spiritually lost or confused. The turmoil of the first semester has only strengthened my faith. If anything, I'm learning to articulate these beliefs of mine. All this, while at the same time learning from the other points of view. And realizing that within the differences lie that commonalities.

But even more than that, I'm discovering myself again. It's okay for me to be who I really am, because those friends who truly care will still be my friends. I can be all silly and giddy as I want to over an incredible musical experience, or something that happens in my lesson or rehearsal, because those who truly care will at least smile and nod, and some will even go further to rejoice with me as I rejoice. We all have diverse interests, and I am by far one of the most conflicted when it comes to my areas of interest (both the open and hidden intellectual passions), but that's simply the joy that comes with being in college.

So if I seem to change over the next few weeks, it's not because I'm really changing. It's because I'm returning to myself. It feels so good to be back.

-KT

PS - I realize my overly vagueness when it comes to this post. I would love to share my experiences and discoveries in detail with anyone who wants to listen.