I can be very stubborn.
This is not inherently a bad thing, and I would defend myself by saying that I have "selective stubbornness". I am stubborn when I want to be.
Yesterday I learned an important about stubbornness.
Mondays are generally not a great day for anyone. It's the beginning of the week, everyone wishes that they could sleep in, and when the weather is nice, it just makes things even worse. When I first woke up yesterday, I was tempted to just go back to bed. I was exhausted, and did not have any plans for the day. Instead, I decided to get up and try to do something. Not the wisest decision on my part. I could barely get moving, and when I did finally get set for the day, I walked out of the house...and locked myself out. At that point, I was tired, had a headache, was furious at myself for making such a stupid mistake, and then had to walk to my mom's work to get a key because we don't hide a spare anyplace. This, of course, did not help my mood.
By dinnertime, I still wasn't overly happy. We went out to dinner, and as we were sitting in Friendly's, a bird flew into the window. For those who might not know this about me, I really hate to see animals get hurt or be killed. I can't watch movies with animals in them because I'm too afraid that something will happen to the animals. I still cry when Mufasa dies in "The Lion King". To try to eat dinner while watching a bird struggle to recover from running into the window was asking a lot out of me. And it was not like what you see in videos - he didn't just sit up and fly away. It took the bird about 15 minutes to recover. I'm sure most people would have laughed at it, but I was horrified as I watched it struggle to stand up. But eventually the bird did manage to walk away, just fine.
During the course of dinner, I was talking to my parents about my concerns over my summer job. I'm giving music lessons, and it can be harder to try to get new students, especially when there's a major arts center in town. Finally, my mom asked me if I had talked to God about it.
Oops.
In my stubbornness, I had tried to figure out every possible way of getting new students. I was close to the point of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up. I love to teach, but I was pretty sure this wasn't worth it. But I hadn't bothered to bring it up to God. I don't know exactly why - perhaps I felt I could do it on my own, maybe I took it for granted that He'd help, I'm not sure. For whatever reason, I had avoided going to the best resource I had.
This morning, my mom left me a note before she went to work. She said "I was reminded of the song "His eye is on the sparrow, and He watches over me. Remember the bird yesterday?"
If God cares enough to make sure that birds recover after running into glass, He cares enough to help His children when they've run themselves into a brick wall. Just remember that no matter what you're facing, even if it seems completely insignificant, God does want you to bring it to Him.
All I can think of is VeggieTales: "God made you special and He loves you very much!"
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Mayterm Review
This year, I did not spend Mayterm tromping around Europe. I spent three weeks at a nearby high school and elementary school observing and learning from two teachers. It was an interesting experience, really stretching. I drove back to college one night a week to discuss the experience with 6 other students and our professor. And we took one field trip to two inner city schools to observe what it was like to teach under very different circumstances. At the end I had to write up a report on my experiences. Rather than write an entire blog entry separately, I'll just post my report (which was limited to 2 pages). I've taken out the names of the teachers I observed. If you're simply dying to know who they were and where I observed, please feel free to ask.
During the course of my Mayterm observation experience, I learned much about the world of music education in our schools. There are many responsibilities and challenges facing music educators today. Music educators are not only responsible for introducing students to the world of music and increasing their knowledge of the subject area. As educators, they are responsible for the safety of students whenever they are with them during school or at other events. This can be a challenge when there are close to 100 students in one band or chorus. At one point during my observations, a student had to be suspended because he did not report directly to band afterschool and instead went to his daycare, and neither the classroom teacher nor the band director knew where he was. Communication between music educators and administrative staff can also be a challenge at times. If an administrator was not part of a music program as a child, they may not understand the importance of the program to the school, which puts the program at risk when budget cuts are necessary. When parents express concerns about the program, it is helpful to have the support of administrators support the program. Another challenge involving music educators is in creating continuity between various grade levels in the program. Differing teaching philosophies amongst educators, and an unwillingness to reach a compromise, ultimately stunts the students’ musical growth as well as the growth of the overall program.
There are many different skills and qualities needed in order to become an effective music educator. Patience is needed when dealing with students, teachers, administrators, parents and community members. Being flexible is also important, in order to deal with unexpected situations. Creativity is also needed to find solutions to problems that may not have been discussed in college. High school band directors especially need to be able to multitask and have enough stamina to last through before and after school rehearsals and evening music activities. Music educators also need to learn how to do basic and common repairs on instruments, especially school owned instruments, in order to help cut down on costs and so that students will have instruments to practice instead of waiting a week for them to come back from the repair shop. Music educators also need to be able to manage their time effectively and have good communication skills, both written and oral.
School music instruction is very important for the overall education of children. Students who participate in music programs tend to do better in their other studies. Music allows a different means for expressing oneself. It also teaches valuable life skills, such as team skills (there are no people on the bench in music), responsibility, commitment, and time management skills. And with various leadership positions, especially in marching band, students have the opportunity to gain important leadership skills. Music can also be used to enhance what the students are learning in other subject areas, especially through the use of comprehensive music education units. One method for expressing to administrators the importance of music education is to create a day where they can actually be given lessons on instruments, sit in a general music class and work on a piece as a choir. This helps them to better understand the skills needed to perform in a band or chorus, as well as the breadth of material covered in a general music class. This idea can also be used to create an open house for parents.
Mrs. _____ had several different comprehensive music education units that she used with her young bands. One unit was used each year and it typically involved the band, chorus and at least one other class, such as art. For the Big Band Unit, the students performed music by Gershwin and Glenn Miller in band and chorus. They also studied the major artists of that period. They completed listening logs and other projects as they learned about the history of the composers and artists. For the final concert they created a radio show that included interviews with the composers and artists in between performances of the music. Mrs. _____ also had similar units that focused on Classical Composers, Program Music and World Music. In this way, she integrated other subjects (other units integrated geography, science and language arts), helping meet content standards numbers eight and nine of the national standards for arts education. Mrs. _____ also developed an assessment method which involved video taping the students twice a year and having them complete rubrics and reflection statements on each video. At the end of each year the students would look back at the videos from previous years. This method of assessment will soon be added to the curriculum for Middle School and High School students. The idea of comprehensive music education was not observable at the high school level, and it would be beneficial to also use it with those students.
There were many effective teaching methods in use. Mrs. _____ used a checklist to help remind her students of proper “Musician Position”, “Embouchure” and “Air Support”. She also had them set goals for each half of the school year and referred to those goals in each lesson. By constantly reinforcing the proper basics of musicianship, she was creating a solid foundation for the students. Her emphasis on self-reflection helped to develop the student’s early cognitive abilities and aided them in taking ownership of their instrument. In lesson situations, Mr. _____ would take time to break things down into smaller chunks, making them less overwhelming for the student to process. He also gave a balanced amount of positive and negative remarks to help encourage the growth of musicianship in the students. There were also approaches that clearly were not working. Since students in the Wind Ensemble were not graded on lesson attendance, none of them came to lessons, which hurts the overall musicianship of the music program. It also creates resentment from the students in the Concert Band who are still required to attend lessons. While Marching Band is optional in the Fall, in the Spring the students are required to attend two parades, but those who did not participate in the Fall vigorously protest having to be involved and some even worked to undermine the performance. It is now being proposed that only the students who choose to do Marching Band will have to attend competitions, football games and parades. There also were no effective means of getting the students’ attention during marching band rehearsals, both indoor and outdoor, indicating a lack of respect for the director.
This experience has expanded my understanding of what it means to be a music educator. This course did make me question my choice to be a music educator. When I observed the challenges and difficulties of not having enough money in the budget, or facing staff reductions and the amount of stress that puts on a director, I began to doubt whether or not I could handle those challenges. I also observed what happened in an area where music was not generally supported by the public or the administration, and the challenge of working with students who had little respect for the subject or the director. I was unsure as to whether or not I could ever teach under those circumstances, and if I should reconsider what I was doing. But as I talked with the teachers, I learned that the rewards of the job far outweigh these challenges. As I watched the younger students get excited about music, both in band and lessons, I learned that while a music educator may not receive public accolades, knowing that you have been able to ignite a passion for what you love in a student is worth everything.
During the course of my Mayterm observation experience, I learned much about the world of music education in our schools. There are many responsibilities and challenges facing music educators today. Music educators are not only responsible for introducing students to the world of music and increasing their knowledge of the subject area. As educators, they are responsible for the safety of students whenever they are with them during school or at other events. This can be a challenge when there are close to 100 students in one band or chorus. At one point during my observations, a student had to be suspended because he did not report directly to band afterschool and instead went to his daycare, and neither the classroom teacher nor the band director knew where he was. Communication between music educators and administrative staff can also be a challenge at times. If an administrator was not part of a music program as a child, they may not understand the importance of the program to the school, which puts the program at risk when budget cuts are necessary. When parents express concerns about the program, it is helpful to have the support of administrators support the program. Another challenge involving music educators is in creating continuity between various grade levels in the program. Differing teaching philosophies amongst educators, and an unwillingness to reach a compromise, ultimately stunts the students’ musical growth as well as the growth of the overall program.
There are many different skills and qualities needed in order to become an effective music educator. Patience is needed when dealing with students, teachers, administrators, parents and community members. Being flexible is also important, in order to deal with unexpected situations. Creativity is also needed to find solutions to problems that may not have been discussed in college. High school band directors especially need to be able to multitask and have enough stamina to last through before and after school rehearsals and evening music activities. Music educators also need to learn how to do basic and common repairs on instruments, especially school owned instruments, in order to help cut down on costs and so that students will have instruments to practice instead of waiting a week for them to come back from the repair shop. Music educators also need to be able to manage their time effectively and have good communication skills, both written and oral.
School music instruction is very important for the overall education of children. Students who participate in music programs tend to do better in their other studies. Music allows a different means for expressing oneself. It also teaches valuable life skills, such as team skills (there are no people on the bench in music), responsibility, commitment, and time management skills. And with various leadership positions, especially in marching band, students have the opportunity to gain important leadership skills. Music can also be used to enhance what the students are learning in other subject areas, especially through the use of comprehensive music education units. One method for expressing to administrators the importance of music education is to create a day where they can actually be given lessons on instruments, sit in a general music class and work on a piece as a choir. This helps them to better understand the skills needed to perform in a band or chorus, as well as the breadth of material covered in a general music class. This idea can also be used to create an open house for parents.
Mrs. _____ had several different comprehensive music education units that she used with her young bands. One unit was used each year and it typically involved the band, chorus and at least one other class, such as art. For the Big Band Unit, the students performed music by Gershwin and Glenn Miller in band and chorus. They also studied the major artists of that period. They completed listening logs and other projects as they learned about the history of the composers and artists. For the final concert they created a radio show that included interviews with the composers and artists in between performances of the music. Mrs. _____ also had similar units that focused on Classical Composers, Program Music and World Music. In this way, she integrated other subjects (other units integrated geography, science and language arts), helping meet content standards numbers eight and nine of the national standards for arts education. Mrs. _____ also developed an assessment method which involved video taping the students twice a year and having them complete rubrics and reflection statements on each video. At the end of each year the students would look back at the videos from previous years. This method of assessment will soon be added to the curriculum for Middle School and High School students. The idea of comprehensive music education was not observable at the high school level, and it would be beneficial to also use it with those students.
There were many effective teaching methods in use. Mrs. _____ used a checklist to help remind her students of proper “Musician Position”, “Embouchure” and “Air Support”. She also had them set goals for each half of the school year and referred to those goals in each lesson. By constantly reinforcing the proper basics of musicianship, she was creating a solid foundation for the students. Her emphasis on self-reflection helped to develop the student’s early cognitive abilities and aided them in taking ownership of their instrument. In lesson situations, Mr. _____ would take time to break things down into smaller chunks, making them less overwhelming for the student to process. He also gave a balanced amount of positive and negative remarks to help encourage the growth of musicianship in the students. There were also approaches that clearly were not working. Since students in the Wind Ensemble were not graded on lesson attendance, none of them came to lessons, which hurts the overall musicianship of the music program. It also creates resentment from the students in the Concert Band who are still required to attend lessons. While Marching Band is optional in the Fall, in the Spring the students are required to attend two parades, but those who did not participate in the Fall vigorously protest having to be involved and some even worked to undermine the performance. It is now being proposed that only the students who choose to do Marching Band will have to attend competitions, football games and parades. There also were no effective means of getting the students’ attention during marching band rehearsals, both indoor and outdoor, indicating a lack of respect for the director.
This experience has expanded my understanding of what it means to be a music educator. This course did make me question my choice to be a music educator. When I observed the challenges and difficulties of not having enough money in the budget, or facing staff reductions and the amount of stress that puts on a director, I began to doubt whether or not I could handle those challenges. I also observed what happened in an area where music was not generally supported by the public or the administration, and the challenge of working with students who had little respect for the subject or the director. I was unsure as to whether or not I could ever teach under those circumstances, and if I should reconsider what I was doing. But as I talked with the teachers, I learned that the rewards of the job far outweigh these challenges. As I watched the younger students get excited about music, both in band and lessons, I learned that while a music educator may not receive public accolades, knowing that you have been able to ignite a passion for what you love in a student is worth everything.
"What to Listen for in Music" (Book #3)
Book #3 - "What to Listen for in Music" by Aaron Copland
This is a fantastic book! And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Music Ed major! This is a relatively short, easy-to-understand read for anyone who is looking to get more out of a concert experience. Copland was one of the best American composers, and he approaches this book as a composer who wants to help the layman understand what he should listen to in a musical piece. He first tackles the different sections of music (melody, rhythm, harmony, form), then gives introductory discussions on various styles. He does it all without using difficult terminology and helps the reader understand the importance of being an active, rather than a passive listener. I know I have trouble paying attention during concerts, and this book has given me some new insights on how to get more out of the experience (and hopefully not fall asleep!)
This is a fantastic book! And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Music Ed major! This is a relatively short, easy-to-understand read for anyone who is looking to get more out of a concert experience. Copland was one of the best American composers, and he approaches this book as a composer who wants to help the layman understand what he should listen to in a musical piece. He first tackles the different sections of music (melody, rhythm, harmony, form), then gives introductory discussions on various styles. He does it all without using difficult terminology and helps the reader understand the importance of being an active, rather than a passive listener. I know I have trouble paying attention during concerts, and this book has given me some new insights on how to get more out of the experience (and hopefully not fall asleep!)
"Plato and a Platypus Walk Into A Bar" (Book #2)
The second book of the summer reading list (which wasn't on the original list, but it was on sale at Barnes and Noble) was "Plato and a Platypus Walk Into A Bar" by by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein. It's a hilarious book written by two philosophy majors who attempt to explain all of the complex ideas in philosophy using - jokes! While it might not cover every aspect of philosophy, it certainly covers everything we learned in 3M (Metaphysics, Morality and Mind - basically Philosophy 101 at college), and a bit more. There's always a little introduction to an idea before at least one or more jokes that show what the idea is all about. I have to admit, I now understand some of the concepts better than I did after a whole semester! Before you run out and buy it, I would caution that it's sprinkled with less than appropriate jokes throughout, so that's something to consider before purchasing.
"Emma" by Jane Austen (Book #1)
"Emma" by Jane Austen was the first book that I finished this summer. I have to admit, it took me longer to finish than a normal Jane Austen book because, well, Emma Woodhouse is rather annoying at first. She's a wealthy, comfortable daughter of an established family. Her mother is dead, her sister Isabella has married and moved to London, and her governess Miss Taylor marries a man and lives nearby. Her father is practically an invalid and Emma has resolved to never marry, because she never wants to leave him alone. What follows is a few poor matchmaking jobs, rejected proposals, and finally everyone falls in love and marries the people they are supposed to marry. All in all, a wonderful story!
I've read three other works by Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion), and while I love them all, Emma has easily come in the #2 favorite spot (right behind Sense and Sensibility). While Emma Woodhouse is an annoying character at first, her dedication to her family and her good intentions in (almost) everything that she does makes her rather endearing. And the colorful collection of characters that surround her are always amusing.
I've read three other works by Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion), and while I love them all, Emma has easily come in the #2 favorite spot (right behind Sense and Sensibility). While Emma Woodhouse is an annoying character at first, her dedication to her family and her good intentions in (almost) everything that she does makes her rather endearing. And the colorful collection of characters that surround her are always amusing.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Summer Reading
I haven't really given much thought to my reading list for this summer. My goal will be to finish up some of the books that I've started, and spend some time enjoying my latest stash from Barnes and Noble. And then there's a few that I'll probably buy towards the end of the summer. They are in no particular order
Books To Finish:
Who Are We? by Samuel Huntington (I started this last summer while traveling through Europe. I've made it about halfway)
Some Thoughts Concerning Education by John Locke (I start this a few days before heading back to school last August. I didn't get very far, but I'm excited to start it again)
Miracles by CS Lewis (I'm a little more than halfway through it...it's taking me a while)
New Book Stash from BN:
The Madonnas of Leningrad by Debra Dean
Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Hahn Beer
Jane Austen Ruined My Life by Beth Pattillo
Me and Mr. Darcy by Alexandra Potter
Becoming Jane Austen by Jon Spence
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
Emma by Jane Austen
(Yes, those are all VERY girly books - cut me some slack!)
The Day of Battle: The War in Sicily and Italy, 1943-1944 by Rick Atkinson. It was recommended to me by a history buff I stayed with in Berlin. It's the second volume of "The Liberation Trilogy" (I need to find the first Volume - An Army At Dawn).
Books I Will Purchase At A Later Date:
Resounding Truth by Jeremy Begbie
C.S. Lewis: A Shiver of Wonder by Derick Bingham
And I will gladly take any other suggestions!
Books To Finish:
Who Are We? by Samuel Huntington (I started this last summer while traveling through Europe. I've made it about halfway)
Some Thoughts Concerning Education by John Locke (I start this a few days before heading back to school last August. I didn't get very far, but I'm excited to start it again)
Miracles by CS Lewis (I'm a little more than halfway through it...it's taking me a while)
New Book Stash from BN:
The Madonnas of Leningrad by Debra Dean
Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Hahn Beer
Jane Austen Ruined My Life by Beth Pattillo
Me and Mr. Darcy by Alexandra Potter
Becoming Jane Austen by Jon Spence
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
Emma by Jane Austen
(Yes, those are all VERY girly books - cut me some slack!)
The Day of Battle: The War in Sicily and Italy, 1943-1944 by Rick Atkinson. It was recommended to me by a history buff I stayed with in Berlin. It's the second volume of "The Liberation Trilogy" (I need to find the first Volume - An Army At Dawn).
Books I Will Purchase At A Later Date:
Resounding Truth by Jeremy Begbie
C.S. Lewis: A Shiver of Wonder by Derick Bingham
And I will gladly take any other suggestions!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A New Year
(Part 1 of a undetermined amount of parts welcoming in the New Year)
Welcome to 2010! As usual, I haven't written all semester, so it didn't really make sense for me to write up an entry about resolutions for the new year, but some habits just don't die.
I just flipped back to my entry from 2009, where I critiqued my previous resolution and set some new ones. So here were the goals for 2009:
-Practice my clarinet more
I seem to make that a goal every year, and the same thing happens. Nothing changes. To top it off, I spent nearly 6 weeks away from my clarinet this summer.
-Do my laundry more often so it doesn't take half a day
Well, it partially worked. I did manage to do my laundry more often at the beginning of sophomore year, but it still took a while, and by the end, I ended up bringing my laundry home for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.
-Consistently keep my room clean
This was almost an epic fail. My room will forever show the amount of stress in my life - the more stress, the more clutter, until I get so stressed, I drop everything and clean up my room at the most inconvenient time possible.
-Create a study/play schedule that gets me to bed at a decent hour
If I remember correctly, I didn't even bother to attempt such a thing.
-Take more personal time, to simply listen to music or journal
That finally started happening a month or so ago, and I did do a lot of journaling while in Europe, but this will be a continued project
-My goal for the summer of 2009: see how many works of CS Lewis I can read in one summer
This may be the first resolution I was actually able to keep!! I read 6 of Lewis' books, and started a 7th. I'm quite proud of that accomplishment!
-Finally be able to reconcile my past with my present and trusting God to help me move forward
I can honestly say -"what was I thinking?!" That is not something that I can simply make as a New Year's resolution and hope that it will come true.
When thinking about the new year, I kept thinking about change. What I wanted to do to change myself in some way, to better myself. But I think I have it all wrong. Instead of looking to create a better me, I should be looking for ways to discover my true self. Or rediscover..
I've thought a lot about what I think is wrong with me, and ways I could change. Things that I desperately want to change about myself. My compulsive perfectionism is one huge part of that. I've come to realize how much of a destructive force that has been in my life since, oh, about 7th grade. Anytime I didn't meet the standards I had set for myself, I would beat myself up terribly about it, and then tell myself I just had to work harder and focus more. And so I did. I kept chasing after these standards till someone, who I thought had a good piece of advice, suggested that my standards were too high. So I lowered by standards, thinking that then I would be content. But I hated myself even more for having lowered the standards, and became stressed out about...not stressing out! I've decided that the person who told me to lower my standards is, in the nicest, most Christian way of putting it, an idiot. As a compulsive perfectionist, my self-esteem and self-worth has been completely tied into my schoolwork and my music. Lowering my standards did nothing to change that, and in fact made the situation much worse. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, but it's my reaction to my failure to reach those standards that's the problem. A failure in schoolwork shouldn't devastate my sense of self-worth. So this year, I'm trying something different. I'm going to admit that I have a competitive edge, and I'm going to aim for the best that I can possibly do - but in a number of categories (which I won't get to in here). I'm going to aim towards being well-rounded, but I'm going to push myself to be the best well-rounded person I can be.
The other part, involving my self-esteem and self-worth I got a bit of insight from today during church. One of my professors (Dr. Pearse) from school came to speak at a friend's church, and I always love having the opportunity to annoy him, so I heard him "preach" on "Why The Rest Hates The West" (he has a book out by that same title - I would completely recommend it!). In the midst of a number of points I am already familiar with (having read his book and survived his course), but one thing stuck out to me that I didn't catch the first time. In the modern West, we've lost our sense of identity, and need to fill it somehow (usually by consumerism). The freedom that we so greatly value has freed us from the ties which would have given us a grounding for answering the question "who am I?". He compared that to the great hymn writer, Issac Watts, who wrote
"When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of glory died,
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Were the whole realm
of nature mine,
that were an offer far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all."
Contrast that with our Western self-loathing. We might think Watts an egomaniac for thinking that the best gift he could give God was Himself. But in truth, it's because he had a proper view of himself. We are created in the image of God. We have greater worth than the whole realm of nature. Driving back from church, I was listening to David Crowder's Church Music album, and the song came up "We Are Loved". The chorus is
"O we are loved
We are loved
And it's quite enough that
We are loved"
For perhaps the first time, I'm starting to come to grips with this idea of our worth driving from being created Imago Dei, and that God loves us. For years I kept thinking that when people told me to seek my worth from God, I was suppose to seek applause from Him, just as I did from everyone else. But that's not it at all.
So this year, it's about becoming my real self, working my way through the lies I've believed for too long. It's still confusing at this point, and there's a long way to go, but this is certainly going to be an interesting year.
Welcome to 2010! As usual, I haven't written all semester, so it didn't really make sense for me to write up an entry about resolutions for the new year, but some habits just don't die.
I just flipped back to my entry from 2009, where I critiqued my previous resolution and set some new ones. So here were the goals for 2009:
-Practice my clarinet more
I seem to make that a goal every year, and the same thing happens. Nothing changes. To top it off, I spent nearly 6 weeks away from my clarinet this summer.
-Do my laundry more often so it doesn't take half a day
Well, it partially worked. I did manage to do my laundry more often at the beginning of sophomore year, but it still took a while, and by the end, I ended up bringing my laundry home for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.
-Consistently keep my room clean
This was almost an epic fail. My room will forever show the amount of stress in my life - the more stress, the more clutter, until I get so stressed, I drop everything and clean up my room at the most inconvenient time possible.
-Create a study/play schedule that gets me to bed at a decent hour
If I remember correctly, I didn't even bother to attempt such a thing.
-Take more personal time, to simply listen to music or journal
That finally started happening a month or so ago, and I did do a lot of journaling while in Europe, but this will be a continued project
-My goal for the summer of 2009: see how many works of CS Lewis I can read in one summer
This may be the first resolution I was actually able to keep!! I read 6 of Lewis' books, and started a 7th. I'm quite proud of that accomplishment!
-Finally be able to reconcile my past with my present and trusting God to help me move forward
I can honestly say -"what was I thinking?!" That is not something that I can simply make as a New Year's resolution and hope that it will come true.
When thinking about the new year, I kept thinking about change. What I wanted to do to change myself in some way, to better myself. But I think I have it all wrong. Instead of looking to create a better me, I should be looking for ways to discover my true self. Or rediscover..
I've thought a lot about what I think is wrong with me, and ways I could change. Things that I desperately want to change about myself. My compulsive perfectionism is one huge part of that. I've come to realize how much of a destructive force that has been in my life since, oh, about 7th grade. Anytime I didn't meet the standards I had set for myself, I would beat myself up terribly about it, and then tell myself I just had to work harder and focus more. And so I did. I kept chasing after these standards till someone, who I thought had a good piece of advice, suggested that my standards were too high. So I lowered by standards, thinking that then I would be content. But I hated myself even more for having lowered the standards, and became stressed out about...not stressing out! I've decided that the person who told me to lower my standards is, in the nicest, most Christian way of putting it, an idiot. As a compulsive perfectionist, my self-esteem and self-worth has been completely tied into my schoolwork and my music. Lowering my standards did nothing to change that, and in fact made the situation much worse. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, but it's my reaction to my failure to reach those standards that's the problem. A failure in schoolwork shouldn't devastate my sense of self-worth. So this year, I'm trying something different. I'm going to admit that I have a competitive edge, and I'm going to aim for the best that I can possibly do - but in a number of categories (which I won't get to in here). I'm going to aim towards being well-rounded, but I'm going to push myself to be the best well-rounded person I can be.
The other part, involving my self-esteem and self-worth I got a bit of insight from today during church. One of my professors (Dr. Pearse) from school came to speak at a friend's church, and I always love having the opportunity to annoy him, so I heard him "preach" on "Why The Rest Hates The West" (he has a book out by that same title - I would completely recommend it!). In the midst of a number of points I am already familiar with (having read his book and survived his course), but one thing stuck out to me that I didn't catch the first time. In the modern West, we've lost our sense of identity, and need to fill it somehow (usually by consumerism). The freedom that we so greatly value has freed us from the ties which would have given us a grounding for answering the question "who am I?". He compared that to the great hymn writer, Issac Watts, who wrote
"When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of glory died,
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Were the whole realm
of nature mine,
that were an offer far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all."
Contrast that with our Western self-loathing. We might think Watts an egomaniac for thinking that the best gift he could give God was Himself. But in truth, it's because he had a proper view of himself. We are created in the image of God. We have greater worth than the whole realm of nature. Driving back from church, I was listening to David Crowder's Church Music album, and the song came up "We Are Loved". The chorus is
"O we are loved
We are loved
And it's quite enough that
We are loved"
For perhaps the first time, I'm starting to come to grips with this idea of our worth driving from being created Imago Dei, and that God loves us. For years I kept thinking that when people told me to seek my worth from God, I was suppose to seek applause from Him, just as I did from everyone else. But that's not it at all.
So this year, it's about becoming my real self, working my way through the lies I've believed for too long. It's still confusing at this point, and there's a long way to go, but this is certainly going to be an interesting year.
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