Pre-Recital Thoughts

For the very few of you who might not know, I've been more than a little stressed out about my upcoming senior recital. (It's next Monday, March 26th at 6:30 in the Center for the Arts Recital Hall here at Houghton, and you really should come).

I have spent the bulk of this semester consuming coffee and chocolate, spending late nights in the music building, and I've had more than my fair share of emotional breakdowns. I woke up this morning, with one week left to go before the recital, in full stress mode. To top it off, everyone was asking me, "Are you excited? There's just a week!" I really wanted to reply "Do you REALLY think that I don't realize I only have a WEEK to prepare for this?!"

After practicing for several hours, the control freak inside of me finally started to calm down. That's when I realized how fortunate I really am.

There's no reason that I should be able to perform a recital next week.

Take this semester. I started out being sick for almost two weeks. I'm the only clarinet major in the entire department, so my practice load is insane. I didn't have my repertoire finalized until less than 2 months before the recital date.

Or to look even further back - I developed wrist issues back in high school. When I came to college, I felt so intimidated by the other music majors, I clung to my new "non-major" friends that I met through East Meets West, and during the course of second semester, was hardly ever seen in the music building. That, and the tremendous workload of being a Music Education major in a honors program was killing me. I started my sophomore year still feeling unsure about being a music major, which was exacerbated by the development of TMJ and a worsening of my wrists, with no cure in sight.

At that point, I was ready to throw in the towel. Looking back, I don't really know what stopped me from switching majors. The only thing I really remember thinking was "If I decide to be a history teacher, then I'll have to grade papers. I might as well stay a music major."

Starting junior year, I had to fill the giant shoes left by two clarinet performance graduate students. But God moved mountains. That November, I finally saw a doctor who was able to diagnose my wrists - tendinitis in both, with a ganglion cyst in my left wrist. While there isn't a cure, I was given medication and was finally able to play without pain for the first time in four years. I remember crying the first time that happened. Previous years I had to choose between practicing clarinet or my secondary instruments - now I could do both, and still play in rehearsals. My ability to practice being restored, my broken spirit was slowly mended. I discovered that I could indeed perform solos in the major ensembles. I remember the first time I performed a clarinet solo in Philharmonia and didn't mess up on it. I was stunned. Perhaps I really was a musician after all.

Senior year has been filled with all sorts of emotions. I spent the fall semester student teaching, deepening my love for teaching, affirming that I was going into the right field. I developed new friendships with fellow senior musicians, sharing in the stress of writing lesson plans, and fretting about recitals, grad schools and the job market. I even expanded my hobby of baking to become my primary stress reducer (much to the chagrin of my friends who were trying to lose weight!)

As reflect on my journey to this moment, I have to sit in awed silence before God.

I am still able to play my clarinet. He's given me enough free time in my schedule to practice, substitute, get my homework done and still see my friends. He got me through four semesters of music theory and music history, as well as eight semesters of secondary instruments, student teaching and applying to grad school in the course of a week. And contrary to popular belief, I haven't been clinically diagnosed as insane (yet).

What I especially realized today, is that He's given me the most incredible people in my life. First, He gave me parents who, after discovering that their daughter ran away from the soccer ball, pushed and supported her through every single step of her music career. He's given me supportive instructors who have guided me through every twist and turn. He's given the most electric, wonderful, group of friends. There's the fellow music majors who suffered through lesson plans, long rehearsals, and fretting about recitals with me. There's my favorite girls from 3rd New who I can always go to when I need to de-stress by eating chocolate and coloring. There's my housemates who make tea for me, keep me laughing and even surprise me with homemade chocolate chip cookies when I think the world is caving in. There's my group of "non-major" friends, who allow me to escape from the world of music whenever I see them. And then there's my boyfriend, who patiently listens to every emotional breakdown, and is smart enough to send me chocolate in the mail.

So when it comes to my recital, there is absolutely nothing to stress over. There's a God who loves me, who gave me this gift to share. And He gave me people who will love and support me not matter how out of tune I play, or whether I can find a good reed.

Summer Reading Non-List

At the beginning of each summer, I usually put together a list of all the books I'd like to read, and all the books I own that I haven't read yet. From there, I go on to form some sort of a reading plan or theme for each summer. Last summer was Jane Austen (and I almost made it through all of her major works!) and the summer before was CS Lewis. I've been working on this summer's theme since the winter, and I simply couldn't figure anything out.

A few days ago, a book on one of my many bookshelves caught my eye. It was "So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year of Passionate Reading" by Sara Nelson. Before everyone starting writing blogs in order to turn them into published books, Nelson was a book reviewer who decided to keep a diary as she read one book a week. Instead of reviewing the books, she wanted to see the connections that her life made with whatever she was reading. It's a book that I started several years ago, and never finished (I can't remember why). I've become completely enthralled by her writing, and it's inspired me to do something I haven't done in a long time.

This summer I'm not creating a reading list. I'm not setting goals for how many books I want to read. Instead, I'm going to read whatever I want to, whenever I feel like it. This will probably result in me not finishing as many books as I normally do, but I'm really enjoying them. I don't need my summer reading to be a substitute for school.

These are the books that I've already started reading this summer, and I'm open to any suggestions anyone has (especially if it's in the area of fiction - I've got plenty of nonfiction):

The Horses of St. Mark's by Charles Freeman
-This is nonfiction work that tells the story of the four horses (quadriga) that are on top of St. Mark's in Venice and their journey from Constantinople to Venice, Paris and back to Venice.

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
-This is a classic American novel that truly brings out the dark humor associated with war, the military and the government.

So Many Books, So Little Time: A Year of Passionate Reading by Sara Nelson
-See above

The Army At Dawn by Rick Atkinson
-This is the first volume in Atkinson's Liberation trilogy and it details the War in North Africa from 1942-1943

Many more books will be added to this list as the summer progresses!

Hearing and Doing

I'm not quite sure what prompted these thoughts, but this morning these verses from James popped into my head (yes, this is the KJV, since that's the version I used to memorize verses when I was younger):

"But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." - James 1:22

It's a rather familiar verse, and I've heard many, many sermons, Sunday school lessons and chapel messages on it. It's one of "those" Bible verses that we can always use for a devotional, because we all know that we're not following it to a certain extent. And I've always heard the application that we need to go out and serve others. Give to the poor. And I think that's an entirely valid application. But shouldn't there be something more?

This verse shouldn't just hit our outward actions. This should hit all of us.

There is a tension in our life between our outward action and our inward thoughts (faith and deeds argument). It's so much easier to take a verse like the one from James and apply it to one of those things - outward actions. But God wants His Word to impact all of us.

What if our entire life - our thoughts, attitudes, actions - showed that we weren't just "hearers" of the Word, but "doers"?

I realized this morning that there are so many things that God has told me in the Word about myself that I only hear. He loves me unconditionally. He wants me to rest in Him. I don't have to earn His favor. I've heard all those things, but I need to do something about them. Those truths should radically affect how I view myself, what I value, how I manage my life.

What have you heard lately that should change your life, inside and out?

Decisions and Worship

Worship. It's something all of us do. Whether we're consciously thinking of it or not.

Everyone worships something. We're made to worship. It's part of our nature. It's what we do. That doesn't mean that everyone is "religious" - we worship things have have nothing to do with supernatural powers. Even those who are religious worship other things.

We worship whatever we value most.

The easiest way to find out what we value the most is to examine our life. What motivates us to get up in the morning (besides the alarm clock)? Where do we spend our time, energy, money, etc? If we seriously look at our life, our choices won't lie.

Life is made up of choices.

Not particularly profound, unless you think about the consequences that has. Every choice we make is significant, because every choice indicates what we value. Okay, whether you have Trix or Lucky Charms for breakfast may not impact eternity, but you see my point. Whether we choose to have a positive or negative attitude about something. When we choose how much effort to put into something. When we choose our words.

How often do we stop and think before we speak? Probably not often enough.

There are countless passages in the Bible that describe the life of a wise and righteous person. And in most of those passages that I've encountered recently, one of the first things that is mentioned is that the person keeps a tight reign on his (or her) tongue.

That's a virtue that's become lost. We're much better at forming a great retort, a cutting remark, or repeating something we overheard in the elevator than we are at keeping quiet.

Just something to think about before speaking or making a decision.

Suffering

As inspiration for this devotional, I turned to one of the most solid, theological sources of our time. The Princess Bride. “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Why is that? Why is life pain? But for the sake of time, and the fact that I am not a theologian or philosopher, I’d like to narrow down the focus of this devotional, quite a lot. Why do Christians face so much suffering? I would like to distinguish this from the “why do bad things happen to good people” question – there is an entire book about that in the Bible, which is all that needs to be said on that. Why is there suffering that isn’t related to persecution?

This is the question that I’ve been thinking about for a few months now. I’ve found that sometimes I’m experiencing pain and suffering that doesn’t seem to have a purpose. I know that God is putting me through a refining fire, but why does it hurt so much more at some times rather than others? Perhaps I’m the only one who has dealt with this (I’ll admit, I’m sometimes stubborn when I fail to understand God. I don’t like that and I keep searching, even when I should be happy with a “just because” answer).

God loves us. That’s an undeniable fact. But God is also holy. This means, in the words of CS Lewis “His love must, in the nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labour to make us lovable. We cannot even wish, in our better moments, that He could reconcile Himself to our present impurities…What we would here and now call our ‘happiness is not the end God chiefly has in view: but when we are such as He can love without impediment, we shall in fact be happy” – CS. Lewis, “The Problem of Pain”

We need to be changed and altered. We cannot remain as we are now. We can agree upon this. And in my experiences of late, I’ve begun to wonder if much of our suffering comes from our resistance to that change. Yes, we know that we need to be different, and part of us wants to change, but in certain areas of our life, we would prefer that God leave us alone. We would like to keep certain parts to ourselves, and have all the rest changed and perfected. But that’s not the way it works. As George MacDonald wrote, “No, there is no escape. There is no heaven with a little of hell in it – no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather.”

The more we hold on to our own lives, the more it will be painful when God says to us “I love you, and I need you to give this up.” This is why Corrie Ten Boom said, “I’ve learned to hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pried my fingers from it”.

My encouragement to you is to hold everything loosely. As you feel God telling you to let go of something, let go. It’s frightening, painful yet exhilarating at the same time. There are only better things waiting for you. I’d like to close with a few more words from Lewis, and then from the Apostle Paul.

“Human will becomes truly creative and truly our own when it is wholly God’s, and this is one of the many sense in which he that loses his soul shall find it.” – CS Lewis

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Some Things Never Change

You ever have one of those frustrating days? Where so many things just...frustrate you? And you feel the need to reach to an overused phrase to describe how you feel?

"Some things never change."

I tried google-ing that phrase and all sorts of things came up. Song lyrics, quotes, politics, but my favorite by far was this (I found it posted on a random thread):

Boy meets girl.

Girl likes boy.

Parents don't approve.

Some things never change.

-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet


But that's another topic for another posted.

When I initially thought of the phrase "some things never change", I thought of using it as a way to express, well, my frustration.

People will always act in certain ways in accordance with their personalities, no matter how much you hope they might change. Some people will just always be insensitive jerks and have no clue. I think you can see where I'm going with this. I could list off a million things that never seem to change, and that's what I started to do. When I sat down to write this, I was ready and armed with a list of things that have never changed.

They were primarily negative, of course.

But then something really minor happened on Facebook and it got me thinking: why did I decide that it's a bad thing that some things never change? There are plenty of things that don't change, and I'm grateful that they don't change.

The biggest thing would be God. He doesn't change. He will always love me. Even when everyone else is an insensitive jerk, He's still there. He still loves me when I don't respond well to the insensitive jerks in my life. He still loves me when I'm the one being an insensitive jerk.

Maybe it's time that I start to rely on the good things that never change than expecting the bad things to never change.

Book # 6 - Julius Caesar

The 6th book I read was actually a play - "Julius Caesar" by William Shakespeare. You may be surprised to learn that I never had to read that particular play in high school. (It was due to our World Literature curriculum). So it has sat on my shelf for a couple of years now, and each time I look at it I think "I really ought to read that..." and then I find something else to read.

It only took me a couple of hours to make it through the entire play and I had very few comprehension issues. It seemed much more straightforward and easy-to-understand in comparison with some of Shakespeare's other works. There really isn't much to say about it, other than the fact that I would recommend it to anyone wishing to expand their knowledge of Shakespeare. And it's great to finally know the context of several of his most famous lines.